Listen To Your Heart

Gosh, life sure can throw us a few curve balls can't it?!

I am an open book. I overshare and most people know everything about me. I like to think that's what people like about me, my openness and honesty, my authenticity. Because after all, if we aren't real, then what's the point?

All I can ever be is honest and true to myself. Often times, that leads us down paths we never expected. Just like making our way back "home" to Texas, which was an unexpected path for sure, our paths are constantly changing and evolving and just because you choose to walk one way, doesn't mean you aren't allowed to turn around and walk a different way instead.  

I thought that yoga teacher training was my dharma, my path. It was what I was supposed to do because I love yoga and all of the gifts it has given me. I love yoga, no one can dispute that fact. Yoga saved my life once and I am forever grateful for it. I need yoga in my life. I need to practice daily and connect with myself on a spiritual level for my own sanity. We all know that I am my own worst enemy.  I excel at taking care of others, but myself...not so much. It's exhausting and frustrating to constantly be at war with yourself. I thought that teaching yoga was the answer. But after much agonizing and anxiety and tears and tantrums, I have realized that just because I love to practice yoga does not mean that I will love teaching yoga. 

The anxiety is overwhelming. It cripples me from within and manifests itself outwardly. The tears come in waves but when they come, they’re like a flood. Uncontrollable and vicious. I feel sick to my stomach. My head hurts. I'm having trouble breathing steadily. I am having panic attacks more frequently. My skin is breaking out and has a mind of it’s own. My weight is skyrocketing because I turn to food when I am unhappy or uncomfortable. Things that I used to take pleasure in are now just a chore.  

My own yoga practice is suffering. The anxiety has taken the joy and the fun out of it for me to the point where I don’t even want to go to class. Anything that causes me to take a step back from my own practice is never a good thing.  I know nothing worth having ever came easy but when my own well being is at stake, I have to stop and take notice of what my soul is telling me. I am a true believer that if something stops making you happy, then you need to stop doing it!

Do I want to teach? That’s really what it all comes down to, isn’t it? Do I want to teach yoga to others?

I loved doing the 60 Hour Immersion and having the opportunity to delve deeper in my own practice and focus on the history and philosophy of yoga. But if I am honest with myself, I knew from the beginning that IF I did decide to teach (because it's always been an IF) I wouldn't want to teach yoga in a traditional setting. 

I know that ultimately I want to help and inspire others. From someone who has been through hell and back and came out the other side, mostly intact, I want to help others realize their potential and to thrive. But in order to help others I have to help myself first. I have to get my own shit together. I have to put on my own oxygen mask before I help my fellow passengers. I need to work on, once and for all, stopping the noise and nonsense in my head. I am done being a victim of my past and being trapped within this emotional roller coaster. 

A constant theme within me is that I have to find my "thing". The thing that gives my life purpose. The thing that shows me I am worthy of being here. I always feel like I need to prove to the world that I belong here. I'm not a mother, I don't have a fancy important job somewhere. I help my husband run his business, I take care of our house, my husband, and our dog and I give myself to others...all of which I love doing.

Sometimes we listen to others thoughts about what we should do and where we should go instead of trusting in our guts and our own hearts. I know that everyone has fears. Fears of trying new things, fears of change. I also know that even if I do complete the training program I am not obligated to teach. But I am constantly striving to find my my own purpose and I often feel like if I don’t pick yoga, then I have nothing. But I am so much more than any one thing. One of my dearest friends said to me, your “thing” is emotions. You create feelings within people and that is what people will remember in the end. 

My heart is my gift to the world. When will I learn, that it is more than good enough? I don’t have to be anything other than who I am. I just need to be myself and be content with that.

I am not sure where my path will lead me at this exact moment but I am sure in my heart that teaching yoga in any traditional sense is not that path. I have taken on this task twice now and each time I have come to the same conclusion. I think that it's time that I take notice of these feelings and follow them.

And that beautiful, sacred yoga space I created for myself. It will still be just that. A beautiful, sacred yoga space for myself or for anyone who wants to join me. I am not giving up yoga. If anything I am giving myself over to yoga even more. I am making more time for my own practice, more time for my own inner peace and happiness. I am making more time to actually put a plan into action to make myself feel better. It's time to listen to my own truth, my own heart and follow it and trust in it's wisdom. To just be me. A woman who is worthy.

A Year at the Beach

The last few weeks have been a bit rough around here. Getting ready to move and everything that comes with it is stressful enough but we have had some hiccups that have made this time around (it's only our 10th move in 12 years) a bit harder than usual. Thankfully today, it has all been ironed out and in 10 days we will be Texas bound.

So, as our year at the beach is coming to a close, we have spent some time reflecting on what a wonderful adventure it's been. We are both so grateful to live a lifestyle where we have been able to experience so many wonderful things together. Life is short and unpredictable but the heart of life is good and man, has it been fun!

Here are some of my favorite things about this past year we have spent living it up on the beach:


*Watching two bald eagles build their nest on the cell tower across the street from our house. Then watching their babies grow, test out their wings, learn how to fly and leave the nest.

*Watching a mourning dove build her stick nest in our garage, laying two eggs, hatching them, and watching the babies grow.

*Walks along the beach, hunting for shells and other treasures.

*Amassing a collection of shells so big it caused me to use 3 rolls of packing paper to wrap them up for the move

*Snorkeling in the ocean and watching a sweet little seahorse bobbing around attached to a piece of seaweed.

*Snorkeling out to a sandbar 50 yards in the ocean and being surrounded by dozens of starfish

*Taking a ride on Loop Road, a 25 mile long dirt road in the Everglades, and observing hundreds of alligators in their natural habitat, less than 30 feet away from us.

* Visting Weeki Wachee Springs State Park, watching the famous Mermaid show and seeing a mama manatee and her baby up close in the Springs.

*Going with friends to Crystal River and Three Sisters Springs to snorkel with the manatees. Rubbing a manatees back and having him roll over so I could scratch.

*Swimming in the ocean while manatees passed right by, close enough to touch.

*Countless dolphin sightings

*Going to see the Christmas Lights at the Tampa Bay Zoo

*Walking down the beach to the beach cafe to have Thanksgiving Day dinner in the sand.

*Spending Christmas on the beach with my family

*Finding a Great White Shark fossilized tooth during one of my shell hunts

*A Motorcyle ride along the coast and catching an amazing sunrise

*Watching the sunset from the beach or our deck

*Hearing great live music from the bar across the street while relaxing on our deck

*Stand up paddle boarding

*Kayaking

*Hiking Robinsons Preserve

*Seeing Roseate Spoonbills, Wood Storks and Sandhill Cranes

*Seeing Bon Jovi and Stevie Knicks in concert

*Going to see a preseason baseball game for the Pittsburgh Pirates

*Dressing up as a Mermaid and a Pirate and coming in second in a costume contest

*Riding my bike to get groceries

*Getting the BEST sandwiches from a great local deli

*Ordering sandwiches from a different great local deli and having them delivered to us right on the beach

*Amazing visits and adventures with our friends and family who came to visit

*Seeing stingrays

*Experiencing a Hurricane and floating in the street on my blow up raft in my swimsuit

*Saturday morning walks to the City Pier and stopping for breakfast along the way

*Mini-golf (which I NEVER won)

*Getting to see Snooty the oldest living manatee

*Doing a 5k on Siesta Key for sea turtle conservationan

*Doing a 5K Thanksgiving Day Turkey Trot over the John Ringling Bridge in Sarasota

*Being surrounded by Monk Parakeets and feeling like you live in a Tarzan movie

*Going to the local fish markets where the fisherman unload their catch right off the boat

*Learning how to grill different types of fish

*Double rainbows

*Key Lime Coconut Cake from Hometown Desserts, a local island bakery

*Tuna sandwiches from our favorite little dive/bait shop, New Pass Grille

As I write this list, I am sure there are so many things that I am missing. Suffice it to say that we have had one hell of a ride this year. Here's to many more adventures to come in Texas...or wherever the Gypsy Caravan may roam :)

Disconnect to reconnect

I love Facebook! Everyone who knows me knows that I love to post and that I love to see other people posts. It's a fun way to interact with others and especially since my friends and family are spread out all over the world, it's an easy and fun way to keep in touch with everyone.

The problem is, it's a time suck...especially for me since I work at home. It's accessible all the time, on my laptop, on my phone and on my iPad. It's always there lurking in the background saying "Becky, look at me. Scroll through. Give a thumbs up. Like me!" It can also be full of so much negativity...more than ever for some reason and often times I let it affect me and bring me down.

It's been a stressful week around here, continuing to try and get things in order for our move. Some things are not going the way I want them to and some things have thrown me for a complete loop, like my stupid haircut, but I digress...

I decided to take some time away from Facebook this weekend cold turkey to try and refocus and refresh.  To be honest, I am kind of sad about it. I miss seeing my friends and what they are up to and I miss sharing with y'all as well. But taking this time away, even though it was a short period of time, has taught me a couple of things that I am going to implement going forward.

First, I spend WAY too much time scrolling through and posting on Facebook. I need to make designated times of my day for FB instead of mindlessly checking it. And that's what it is...completely mindless, a force of habit. I don't need to check it. My life will not end if I don't check it. I won't miss any life changing news. It has shown me that I need to be more present in my own life and that Facebook is something fun and entertaining to do when I have a spare minute. Not when I am enjoying a nice leisurely drive with my husband or out to eat with friends. I need to focus on what is actually happening in my life at any given moment and give my whole self to that moment. I don't want to miss out on things because I wasn't really paying attention and I was too busy documenting it for FB. Let's be honest, a lot of us do this. Our noses are buried in our phones way too much. That's just how life is now. We are expected to be accessible to everyone 24-7. Again, don't get me wrong, I love Facebook. I love sharing photos. I like the idea of being able to be connected to friends, family and the community. I just need to find a more balanced way to do it.

Secondly, by keeping my distance this weekend it made me reevaluate what I want to see on FB. I want to read positive stuff, funny stuff, happy stuff. I don't want to read about people correcting others grammar or people forcing their opinions and viewpoints on others. The beauty of Facebook is that you should be able to post what you want because it's your page but you should also be able to hide, unfriend, unfollow people whose viewpoints or negativity you don't want to see without it seeming like the sky is falling! More importantly, it made me rethink WHO I want seeing what I post on my page. The person that I have no idea who they are and have never met but are friends with people I do know? I don't need to feel obligated to accept their friend request. The person that all I have in common with or know about them is that we went to the same high school? Again, I shouldn't feel like I have to welcome you into my world. That may sound to some people like I am being curmudgeonly. I'm really not trying to be, but I want to surround myself and connect with the people I really care about. People who share my same values. People who bring light, laughter and love into my life. If I allow everybody to be my friend then I spend so much time scrolling through the bullshit I don't really care about and I miss the stuff from my friends that I really want to see. Besides, it's my personal life and not everyone is invited to see everything I share. So, I unfriended some people...and it really hurt my heart to do it because I don't like to hurt peoples feelings but if I don't know you, if we have never met, if we are not currently part of one another lives, then I am really really sorry, but you had to go. I don't like unfriending people so much that a good friend of mine recently had a dream where I faked my own death so I could start over with a new FB page instead of unfriending people and hurting their feelings! HA!

Third, I don't need Facebook for validation. My self esteem is crap, it's something I struggle with and work to overcome every single day. But I cannot rely on other people to fix it for me. I have got to learn to love and accept myself for exactly who I am. My heart and who I am on the inside needs to be the focus of my self worth. My husband thinks I am beautiful, that's the only opinion that matters. And again, he thinks I am beautiful because of who I am as a human being, not what I look like. I am my own worst critic and you would think that after 12+ years of working on self love that I wouldn't struggle anymore...but I do, everyday...and I will beat this demon. Key word being I...I will beat this demon though and it won't be because someone liked my photo on Facebook. (Although I do like when people like my photos lol, be honest, we all do!)

So my friends, back to Facebook I go but in a more mindful manner.  I want to read more books, do more yoga, take more walks with my husband, laugh with my sister, and just be present in my daily life. It's fun to see and share in others lives online but it's way more fun to share in each others lives in person!

Packing

You'd think that we would be pros at this by now. I mean we HAVE moved 10 times in the last 12 years. Each time though, it seems, gets harder and harder.

Every time we move, we condense, we declutter, we sell stuff, we donate. How is it then, that every time I get ready to start the process again, it seems as if we have amassed more shit than we came with?!

When we rented this beach house it came fully furnished and decorated. It used to be a vacation rental and part of the deal of allowing us to rent it annually was that it stayed fully furnished (and decorated), because the homeowners didn't want to have to pay to store their belongings. When we met with our landlords before we moved in, I asked them if they would be okay with us redecorating...putting our own touches on things and they said absolutely. I am just not sure when they said yes, they realized that I was going to COMPLETELY take down the house. From the wall hangings, to the kitchen pots, pans and plates, to the towels to the bedding, to every little thing in between.

If you have visited us here, you know I take pride in telling you where I have hid away and stored all of the homeowners things. Under every single bed, behind the TV, at the top of every closet where I can't reach, in unused drawers...pretty much if there's a nook or a cranny, I have stuffed something in there.

Which brings me to my dilemma now...putting it all back together! EEK!

Unfortunately, I wasn't smart enough to take photos of how she had it decorated. I have a few photos from the rental listing but that's it. I have a rough idea in my mind of where things went but it's mostly going to be a, I am putting this here and I hope that you are okay with that, kind of thing.
So, I have to pack away all of our nice things and figure out how to put the house back together the way it was.

It's going to be strange living in the house for the next 4 weeks as I pack and transition it back. It will no longer feel like our home, but truly, what it is, a rental home. I thought I would be okay with living in someone else's home with someone else things but it's been a bit weird to be honest. Not having any of our own furniture, save for a few small bits and pieces, has been like being back in college.

I cannot wait to move into our new home and begin picking out pieces that make it feel like ours. I cannot wait to decorate it and put back out all of our personal things that make my heart smile.

As I pack away our personal photos and mementos, I will remember fondly the year we have spent at the beach. It has certainly been an adventure. But I am ready...ready to settle down with my husband in a place that we can call all our very own!

Now if I can just remember where I put that packing tape?!

Homeward Bound

We are officially homeowners in Texas! Again! LOL

It's been a whirlwind week for us here at Gypsy Central.

Our original plan for buying a house was to fly to Texas together on June 4th for a week of house hunting. Last weekend, an amazing house came on the market so we put in an offer remotely. Our realtor showed us the house by FaceTime and we decided to take the jump and put our hat in the ring.  There were 5 other offers on the house and we were outbid. We were bummed but knew that there was reason we didn't get it. Something else was out there waiting for us.

Monday morning, after I woke up, Mike called me into his office to show me a house he found online. We both were in love but thought it would be best if at least one of us went to actually see the house just to make sure, as it was in an area we weren't that familiar with. We also thought we should gather a list of homes to look at just to see all our options. So I texted our realtor with a list of 16 homes that we narrowed down to 11 and Monday evening I was on my way to Texas. First thing Tuesday morning the house hunt was on. It was a long day...11 houses is A LOT to look at in one day but our realtor was a champ. She put the house we were in love with in the middle of the day and once we pulled up I knew that it was our house. Walking through the front door, my heart skipped a beat. It was perfect for us! I knew Mike would love it too. It was everything we wanted when we decide to make the move back to Texas. Country charm on 1/2 an acre with a beautiful pool, lots of mature trees and privacy and a bonus, there is a garage apartment that is a perfect office for Mike. Sold!

Mike and I have been together 12 years. In those 12 years, we have lived in 10 different homes, in 8 different cities in 4 different states. We are adventurers and have had so many amazing experiences in these last 12 years. Someone asked me recently, how do I know where home is with all the moving around we do? I replied, home is where my husband is. Simple as that.

I picture family BBQ's by the pool. Sleepovers with the nieces. Having the older nieces come to visit and having big family dinners. I picture it being the place that everyone comes to when they need some comfort or some love or just some fun.

Home truly is where the heart is.

I cannot wait for our new adventure to start and for those of you who think we are crazy...well maybe we are but you can't say we aren't having any fun!

Speak It

Hey you! Yes, you! You are totally awesome and amazing! Just thought you should know that.

I am a true believer in sharing the love. It is so very important to let others around you know how you feel about them and celebrate their awesomeness! I always come back around to this quote because it really speaks to me. "If you see something beautiful in someone, speak it" Let them know. Don't hold it back. You never know whose day you will change with a kind word. There is enough hatred and anger and meanness in the world. Why not be the one who spreads positivity, optimism, light and love instead? I know that's what I would rather do.

So, you...yes, I'm still talking to you! You are perfect, just the way you are.

Happy Birthday Mom!

                    

Dear Mom,

Today is your birthday! Woo hoo! I know you are up there celebrating because that's what you do! Your birthday was always your favorite day of the year. Any excuse to celebrate and have fun was your thing! And don't worry, everyone remembers...even though you aren't here to remind us all every five seconds like you used to LOL

I know that you know how I feel about you. We were always good about that, sharing our feelings, never letting any moment go by without telling each other how much we loved each other. But I wanted to say thank you, again, for everything that you have given me.

I am who I am because of you. Your kindness, your compassion, your open heart, your love of life...all of these beautiful qualities, I owe to you. You taught me to always follow my heart. To be afraid but do it anyway. To face adversity with strength and grace. To have faith in the journey. And to love with everything I have in me. Thank you for that.

You were my confidante, and my biggest cheerleader. You listened and never judged. Everyday, I wish I could chat with you over a cup of tea about what's going on in my life. I want your advice. I want your hugs. I want to hear you laugh.

I will never stop missing you. I will never get over losing you. I have learned how to live with it but the deep aching pain in my heart will never leave me. You are gone. There's a hole where you used to be that nothing can ever replace.

But I also want you to know that I am so grateful and very happy! Having you as my Mom, even though it was cut way too short, was the BEST gift I have ever been given! I am so lucky to have been able to have you in my life, to teach me, to guide me and to love me.

So birthday girl...in your honor, I will kick off my shoes, crank up the tunes, and dance with wild abandon....and then I will eat chocolate!

Happy Birthday beautiful angel!

Wanderlust: Leading You Home

Sometimes it takes a while for your heart to catch up to your brain...or vice versa. Life's full of twists and turns. There are so many paths you can choose, so many journeys and adventures you can go on, and there is no right or wrong path to take. Just different ones. Each one leads you to unexpected experiences and outcomes that you never knew possible. It can introduce to things you never knew or remind of things you already did. Sometimes...the path can lead you back down a familiar road, one that you have already taken.

They call us the Gypsies. For good reason I suppose. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and have lived in 8 different homes and 4 different states. We are adventurers, risk takers, explorers. People joke that we often go somewhere on vacation and then we move there. They are not entirely speaking untruths. We learned long ago, from past experiences, that life is short and not guaranteed, so we choose to live our lives with joy and follow wherever our hearts lead us. Home is where we make it...as long as we are together. We have carved out this life for ourselves and have designed it in a way that makes it pretty easy to pick up and hitch up our gypsy wagon and move on to the next place, the next adventure.

For the past 8 months we have lived in paradise on an island on the Gulf coast of Florida. It has been so wonderful and we have had a blast. But paradise, my friends, is not a place, it's a state of mind. You can have paradise wherever you go if you choose to open your eyes and find it. Find the joy in the ordinary, open your heart, live life to the fullest and you will find that paradise lay within you all along.

Paradise can be found right where you left it...at home.

What is home? It means something different to everyone. To me, it means love, it means family. It doesn't necessarily mean a place you hang your hat. What makes someplace a home is who you get to share it with. The love and the laughter that fills the walls. Home to me is being wrapped in my husbands arms. As long as I am with him, I am home.

But...something has been missing for me for a while now. I can try and chase different dreams and see what fulfills my soul but I keep coming back to this one sticking point...family. I miss my family desperately.  After my Mom passed away in 2010 all I wanted to do was to escape. It was so painful of a loss that I just wanted to get away. So we moved...multiple times (lol) and each place we went was amazing! And I am not just saying that. It really is true. Each place we have experienced has taught me things about myself. Each place has shown me something new. Each place has gifted us with amazing people. Each place has opened my eyes to the world around me and for that I am grateful.

But I think it's time. I think it's time that I went back home. Not to the original place I called home but to the place where my most favorite people are.  I think y'all get where this post is going now...

After many long late night discussions with my husband, who is the most supportive man in the world and just gets me 100%, we have decided to hitch up our gypsy wagon, one more time, and head back to Texas. For as much as love adventuring, at the heart of who we both are, is two people who are homebodies. Love and family is at the core of what makes us tick.

We both want to be in the thick of it with our two nieces. School plays, choir concerts, music performances, first dates, drivers licenses, graduation, college, weddings. When they look back on their lives, I want them to know exactly just how much their Auntie and Uncle loved them and all of the great memories we made together. I don't want to just be someone who flies in for birthdays or holidays. I want to be a real part of their lives.

I know I don't need to explain myself to anyone but it's in my nature to share. My heart and my life are an open book. People may judge us for our decisions but the thing is, our life is our journey and its up to us to decide where we let it take us. As long as we are together we know it will be amazing.

It's up to all of us, to choose our paths and follow where our hearts lead. Life is too short to sit around and wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow may never come around. We only get one ride. Shouldn't it be filled with the stuff that makes our hearts sing?!

Dear Me....

A letter to my younger self....


Dear one,

Be brave. Life is difficult and you will experience heartbreak and sorrow of unimaginable proportions ...but you will survive. You are stronger than you think. Trust your gut. Don't be so afraid of everything. Try new things, take risks, and don't give up on yourself or dreams because things get hard. Keep trying. When one door closes, look for another one. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't let your heart be treated unkindly. You are amazing and kind and worthy of love. Always remember that.  Even when your heart is breaking into a million pieces, remember your worth. Shine bright and don't let anyone dull your sparkle. You are one of a kind, be proud of who you are. Share your heart with the world and spread love everywhere you go. Stop doubting yourself. Be gentle with yourself. No one is perfect and everyone is different, that's what makes the world so awesome. Believe in yourself and what you have to offer to the world. Love yourself, just as you are. Don't regret the past, choose to learn from it. Cherish time with loved ones because life is short and there are no guarantees. Your life will be filled with so many amazing things, never forget to be grateful. Have fun. Laugh a lot. Always be kind.

Love,  Me xxx

Love is all around

I know a lot of people are not fans of Valentines Day. That it's just another made up Hallmark holiday and those who don't have a special someone when the day rolls around, it's just another reminder that you aren't joining in the festivities with everyone else. I get it. I feel the same way about Mother's Day. Every year, it rolls around and I am slapped in the face with a reminder that my Mom is gone.

What if we chose to look at these holidays differently though?

What if, when Valentines Day comes around, we choose to celebrate love, in it's many forms? Love is all around us, we just have to open our hearts and look for it. It's in your best friends hug or your child's laugh. It's in the strangers smile on the bus. It's in your dogs sloppy wet kisses and tail wags. It's even in yourself! What if we spent the day surrounded by friends or family? Or we gave our dogs extra time at the dog park? Or we treated ourselves to a box of chocolates?

Spend the day spreading love everywhere. Goodness knows, this world needs more of that right now! Take the time to let the people in your life know how special and loved they are. Love exists, but sometimes it's just not in the way you think it should be.

This year, for me, when Mother's Day rolls around, instead of feeling sad that I can't be with my own mom, I will celebrate all the mothers that I am surrounded by. I have some amazing women in my life who also happen to be mothers. I will celebrate them and let them know how awesome of a Mom I think they are. I will spend the day remembering my own mother and all the fun times and love that she gave to me. I will remind myself of how lucky I was to have her, even if it was for way too short of a time. Not everyone gets blessed to have a mother like mine.  I might even eat some chocolate and have a cup of tea in her honor, which is not really a stretch for me, is it? :)

Instead of feeling bad on these days that sometimes remind us of things we don't want to be reminded of, maybe we can re frame it in a way that helps us celebrate the day in a different and unique way.

Life is hard. There's no reason to look for reasons to make it harder for ourselves. I am 100% guilty of this. I often see the bad side before I see the bright side, but when I do see the bright side...man, that's the stuff that reminds that the heart of life really is good!

Getting back to the mat...

Is there something that you love doing that you just stopped making time for? Too busy?

There will never be enough time to do everything we want to do but if there's something that sets your heart on fire, do it. Make time for it.

For me, that's yoga.

When I re-incarnated this blog last January, my opening post was about shifting my focus away from yoga. At the time, I was going through some pretty heavy emotional stuff and I placed the blame on my yoga practice. I wasn't giving myself what I needed at the time and yoga took the fall. I wasn't ready for teacher training so instead of just admitting that to myself, I shut it out. I rolled up my mat and placed in a corner of the room.

I have slowly come to realize over this last year that by actually shutting out yoga, something that I love and am passionate about, I was hurting myself more. I am still not ready for yoga teacher training. I may never be. But that doesn't mean that I can't practice.

When I am on my mat, everything else falls away. My mind is at peace. My body is strong. Yoga has never been about the physical for me, although, the benefits are wonderful. It has always been a sanctuary. A place where I can go to be alone with my thoughts, alone with myself. Tune into my body and open my heart. Yoga is my therapy. It keeps my crazy at bay! It's where I turned when I was at my darkest and it is what kept me grounded and led me back to the land of the living. When I lay on my mat in Savasana after a practice, I am overcome with a sense of peace, gratitude and love. Keeping myself from that feeling...well that's just plain stupid :)

So, in the last month or two, I have dusted off my mat and I have made a conscious decision to make time for my practice. I need it. I crave it. I am a better person when I am practicing yoga. It calms my soul.

Especially now, when things are off kilter all around us, it's important for us to take time to do what makes us happy.

What sets your soul on fire? What are you pushing into the background of your life that you need to reignite?

Life is full of things that we will never accomplish, don't make something that you love, be one of them.

I am Woman.

I am a woman.

I stand with other women. I support other women. I believe in women.

I believe that a woman has a right to her own body. A right to make her own choices about how she lives her life. A right to be anything she wants to be and to be able to do that thing as equally as a man would be able to.

Some people draw back in disgust at the word feminist. It's not a bad word. It doesn't mean that you hate men. It's a word that holds the belief that women are and should be treated as intellectual and social equals to men. You don't have to be a woman to be a feminist. You just have to believe that all people are entitled to freedom, liberty and basic human rights no matter what gender, sexual orientation, skin color, ethnicity, religion, culture or lifestyle.

I was so inspired yesterday seeing the images and watching videos of all of the marches going on all over the world, in all 7 continents! They weren't just fighting for women...they were fighting for everyone. And those who are up in arms about the marchers being "whiners", well then that just shows how privileged you are. You are lucky enough to not have to worry about the injustices that many people face on a daily basis.

Now, I know that I am a straight, white, middle-class woman who lives a fairly privileged life and who has been given access to many opportunities. I was raised in a two-parent household. I went to college. Life has been easy for me, relatively.

However, as a woman, I have had countless experiences where I have felt uncomfortable, objectified, verbally and physically abused and afraid.

I am not alone in this.

I know that we could all share stories of times where we were made to feel less than, just because we are women .

Seeing these marches around the world full of men, women and children exercising their first amendment rights inspires me. People just want their voices to be heard. For someone to say, I hear you, I understand how you feel, let me help make this better for you.

Well I hear you. I understand. I want to help. It makes me want to be a better human. It makes me want to step up and stand together with others and fight for what we believe in. To fight for what is fair and right. As human beings, we should ALL be fighting, marching, raising our voices in solidarity and support of all people.

I think Eleanor Roosevelt said it best when she said, "Well behaved women, rarely make history"

So yes, I am a feminist.

I believe in women rights because I believe in human rights.

Be Brave

Today is a scary day for many. It should be a day that we celebrate our country and be proud of who we elected as our leader. For me, and for most of the people I surround myself with, it is not that kind of day. It's a day that is filled with dread and fear. It is a day that feels like a bad dream that we are all hoping to wake up from. Only, it's not just a dream...it's reality and it's pretty fucking scary.

As a woman and an immigrant, but most importantly as a human being, I am in disbelief. How did we get here? Why are we here? How can we fix this and move forward stronger and wiser?

For all of the people who have come before us to fight for our rights, for all of the people who have stood up to injustice, intolerance and hate... I am sorry that we have taken what you have fought so hard for and taken a million steps backwards.

To anyone, today and any day, that are living in fear because you are "different"... different race, different religion, different sexual preference, different ability, different whatever it may be, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are others in this world who see this hate and who will stand together with you. I am one of those people.

And it's not just us as individuals that are being threatened. It's our schools and educational system. It's our environment. It's our forward progress in science. The list, sadly, is endless. Every day I read something and I just shake my head. Is this really happening? Do these people really honestly believe all the bullshit they tell themselves? Do facts even matter anymore?

If they can make up stuff and put it out into the world, then I can say what I want too. Except, the difference between us, is that the message I will spread is one of hope, love, truth, and equality. I won't stop trying to spread that light.

There are so many unanswered questions about where we are headed from here and although it's scary, I have to hold onto hope. Hope that as a nation, we will see the error of our ways and fight even harder for equality for all. I have to have hope because without hope, there is nothing.

Get involved. Volunteer. Protest (peacefully). Open your heart to others who need it. Share your love with those who are hurting or are afraid. We have to be the change that we want to see. We have to take this fear and turn it into something good and powerful. We have the power, it's up to us to use it. Be brave. Have courage.

No one gets to tell you that it's not okay to be upset. As the ever wise Bob Marley said "Get up, stand up, stand up for your right"

Hate, ignorance and intolerance have no place here.

Self Compassion

Today I was in Target and I overheard two young women in the dressing room. They were showing each other the outfits they were trying on and one of the women kept going on and on about how cute her friend looked but how horrible she looked.

We all do this. Well, at least, I think we all do this ;) especially women. We can easily see the best in our friends but we are so quick to zone in on all the things we don't like about ourselves.

Perfection.

It's an impossible dream to chase.

Nobody is perfect. Even the people we love. When they fall down, you pick them back up. When you see a friend struggling, you speak words of love and compassion.  You need to give yourself the same permission to be imperfect...just like every other human being on earth.

It's hard to keep a balanced and open mind when thinking about yourself. You need to be able to think kind, encouraging thoughts about yourself when things are great but, also, especially when they aren't. Successes and failures all have something to teach us. Instead of beating ourselves up or having negative self talk, we need to reframe our thoughts. Think to yourself, "Would I say this to my best friend? Would I speak these hurtful words to someone I love?" I am pretty sure the answer will be a resounding NO.  So, stop doing it! Be a friend to yourself.

I have a sweatshirt that says Be Present. I love it because it reminds me to try and focus where I am on my journey. We've all heard that saying, Life is a journey, not a destination. Often times we get too caught up in how we wish things were, the what ifs, instead of appreciating how things really are.

Love yourself now. That's the beautiful part. Enjoying our lives, loving ourselves and accepting exactly how we are at the present moment.

Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Surround yourself with loving thoughts. You are just as worthy as everyone else.

It's time you started seeing yourself through eyes of love <3

Secrets

Food has always been a big part of my life. I'm sure it has for most of us. Food is comforting. It's a memory.  Big Sunday family dinners, or tea and biscuits with my sister. It seems that almost every gathering revolves around eating in some way.

I am a food addict.

It controls my every move.

I spend most days thinking about what I am going to eat, worrying about the foods I can't or shouldn't eat. It rules my mood. It's a struggle everyday.

In the midst of my troubling past marriage, I used food as a coping mechanism. It was just about the only thing I had control over at the time. He had control of the money. I had ZERO access to it. I wasn't allowed to carry a checkbook or have a debit card. Anything I purchased had to be approved by him.  I couldn't go out with friends or my family unless he allowed me to do so. He controlled how I wore my hair (it was NEVER allowed to be short). He made very single decision for me. I wasn't allowed an opinion or a choice.  I had to do it his way, or there were consequences to pay.

But I could control what I put in my mouth when he wasn't around. I became a secret eater. It didn't matter if I was hungry or not, a lot of times, I ate just to spite him. It was my little secret. I was disobeying him and he didn't even know it. As my weight ballooned, he made sure that every single second of every day, I knew how fat and ugly I was. But the joke was on him.  I didn't want him to touch me and if he considered me fat and ugly, then that kept him at a distance.

Eventually he gave me a gas credit card because we lived in Minnesota. I was driving 19 miles to and from work everyday in some pretty bad winters and I begged him to allow me access to money in case I ran out of gas. He relented and then I began buying food secretly at the gas station. I would fill up the tank just enough and then use a little bit of extra money to buy food. Candy bars, chips, soda, all of the disgusting crap I could get my hands on. I would eat alone in my car and quickly dispose of all the evidence before arriving home, complete with wiping my hands with wet wipes and chewing gum to disguise any trace of food. I would hoard coins if I found them so I had my own tiny stash of cash. If he sent me on an errand or to pick up food for dinner, I would always order something extra he didn't know about and eat it before I got home. I would binge on as much food as my stomach could handle and hide the evidence. Again, it was my secret. I had control. I was getting back at him in my own little way.

I have discussed this before, I know, I could have left. It's not that easy and doesn't usually work that way. He beat me down so bad that I believed all of the horrible things he said and I believed no one else would ever love me or take care of me and I knew if I tried to leave he would kill me...so I stayed and I ate my feelings.

I ate every single emotion. Fear. Heartache. Pain. It was my only solace in a house where I had no voice.

Over the years since, I have struggled with getting myself out of that habit, of using food to cope. When I am sad, or angry or something fills me with anxiety, all I want to do is eat. Sometimes, I succeed at getting past these emotions but sometimes I don't. When I want food to quell an emotion, I begin to feel exactly like a drug addict. I NEED the food. I have to have it. I get anxious about not getting it. If I don't get it, I am a mess.

I still occasionally found myself sitting in my car in a grocery store parking lot after shopping with a bag of donuts in my hands shoveling them into my mouth. For a moment as I eat, I feel relief. Whatever is hurting momentarily subsides. But then, the worst part comes. The guilt. The shame. What am I doing?!? And the vicious cycle starts. Well I fucked up now, so I might as well keep going! Leading me into a downward spiral of unhealthy eating and feeding my emotions with food instead of confronting them. If any of you do this, you know exactly what I am talking about! You eat, you feel bad, you get angry at yourself, you eat more to feel better. You eat, you feel bad, you get angry at yourself, you eat more to feel better. It can become a bottomless pit!

In all honesty, I have a great life! I am now married to the most amazing, caring, generous, considerate man. I have an amazing family and awesome friends. My tribe of people whom I love is truly great. I live on an island for goodness sake!

That doesn't instantly mean you are happy. Old habits are hard to break. Old feelings of inadequacy don't shake off as easy as you'd like them too. Self loathing, sadness or anger creeps it's way in and if I let it, it can overtake me sometimes. Just like it's easy to believe all of the horrible things about yourself someone tells you, it's hard to believe all of the good things about yourself you believe or others believe about you.

I recently joined Weightwatchers and while it's purpose is to help you lose weight, which I would like to do, it's also helping me confront my food issues and learn how to have a healthy relationship with food. Food isn't the enemy but it's also not a substitute for dealing with your feelings and emotions. I can eat foods I enjoy and not attach shame to them. If I want a piece of chocolate, I am going to have one. I don't have to eat it in secret. If I am feeling upset and want to reach for food and binge to make myself feel better, there are a myriad of things I can do instead. Go for a walk. Journal. Blog. Talk with a friend. Cuddle my dog.

I thought that I was in control when I was binging when in reality the food was in control...my emotions were in control. I wasn't in control at all. I was completely off the rails. But, now I AM beginning to take back control! I am in charge of my own life. I can do hard things and face tough emotions without stuffing them back down inside with food. .

Admitting some of these truths are hard for me. And I was way more of a secret eater and binger than I even let on here to you now. Life is hard...for everyone. We all struggle with something. Nobody is perfect, nor should we aim to be. We are humans. We are flawed.

And that my friends, is my whole purpose of this blog! To empower and inspire not only others but myself. To acknowledge and express the issue as a way to address the issue. We could all use a little encouragement, even if it has to come from ourselves.

And, if you need a little help or encouragement I am here to give that to you too!

365 New Days

It's a new year.
Today is page1.
It's a blank slate.
Anything can happen.
What will you do with the next 365 new chances you are given?

I usually start off every year thinking about all of the things that didn't go the way I planned and how I am going to fix that in the upcoming year ahead. I didn't lose the weight I wanted. I didn't spend enough time taking care of myself. I wasn't as good of a wife/friend/sister/daughter that I could have been. The list, if I let it be, could be endless.

This year, I decided to try something different. Instead of focusing on all the things that I didn't accomplish, I am going to reflect and focus on all of the beautiful, amazing things that did happen. Take stock of my blessings and focus on all that I have to be grateful for. I will move into this new year with a grateful heart.  I am going to start a gratitude journal and fill it with all the good things that happen along the way. At the end of 2017, I will have a journal to look back on and see all of the awesome stuff that happened.

As I sit here, looking at the last glow from the Christmas tree, watching my sweet husband cuddling on the couch with our dog, my heart is full. Life is good. It's not always easy. Life is messy and hard and complicated but it's also beautiful and full of so much love if you just take a breathe and take a moment to soak it all in. It doesn't always have to be big grand things that make life amazing. Honestly, it's all the little things, everyday things that make life wonderful.

Things for me, like:

Family

Friends

Health

Home

Dogs

Sunrises and sunsets

Chocolate

Cups of tea

Shells

Ocean waves

Laughter

Hugs

Books

Long walks

Adventures

Music

Being creative

Singing

Kisses

Memories

Flowers

Good hair days

Kindness

Happy tears

Traditions

Yoga

Love

That doesn't mean that you have to be content to stay where you are. Dream big. Go out into the world and make a change. Do new things. Challenge yourself. Be brave. Love what you see in the mirror. Appreciate yourself. Take adventures. Volunteer. Have fun. Spread love and kindness everywhere you go. And live each day with a grateful heart.

May your new year be filled with magic, dreams, joy, peace, love and laughter.

Happy New Year!