Secrets

Food has always been a big part of my life. I'm sure it has for most of us. Food is comforting. It's a memory.  Big Sunday family dinners, or tea and biscuits with my sister. It seems that almost every gathering revolves around eating in some way.

I am a food addict.

It controls my every move.

I spend most days thinking about what I am going to eat, worrying about the foods I can't or shouldn't eat. It rules my mood. It's a struggle everyday.

In the midst of my troubling past marriage, I used food as a coping mechanism. It was just about the only thing I had control over at the time. He had control of the money. I had ZERO access to it. I wasn't allowed to carry a checkbook or have a debit card. Anything I purchased had to be approved by him.  I couldn't go out with friends or my family unless he allowed me to do so. He controlled how I wore my hair (it was NEVER allowed to be short). He made very single decision for me. I wasn't allowed an opinion or a choice.  I had to do it his way, or there were consequences to pay.

But I could control what I put in my mouth when he wasn't around. I became a secret eater. It didn't matter if I was hungry or not, a lot of times, I ate just to spite him. It was my little secret. I was disobeying him and he didn't even know it. As my weight ballooned, he made sure that every single second of every day, I knew how fat and ugly I was. But the joke was on him.  I didn't want him to touch me and if he considered me fat and ugly, then that kept him at a distance.

Eventually he gave me a gas credit card because we lived in Minnesota. I was driving 19 miles to and from work everyday in some pretty bad winters and I begged him to allow me access to money in case I ran out of gas. He relented and then I began buying food secretly at the gas station. I would fill up the tank just enough and then use a little bit of extra money to buy food. Candy bars, chips, soda, all of the disgusting crap I could get my hands on. I would eat alone in my car and quickly dispose of all the evidence before arriving home, complete with wiping my hands with wet wipes and chewing gum to disguise any trace of food. I would hoard coins if I found them so I had my own tiny stash of cash. If he sent me on an errand or to pick up food for dinner, I would always order something extra he didn't know about and eat it before I got home. I would binge on as much food as my stomach could handle and hide the evidence. Again, it was my secret. I had control. I was getting back at him in my own little way.

I have discussed this before, I know, I could have left. It's not that easy and doesn't usually work that way. He beat me down so bad that I believed all of the horrible things he said and I believed no one else would ever love me or take care of me and I knew if I tried to leave he would kill me...so I stayed and I ate my feelings.

I ate every single emotion. Fear. Heartache. Pain. It was my only solace in a house where I had no voice.

Over the years since, I have struggled with getting myself out of that habit, of using food to cope. When I am sad, or angry or something fills me with anxiety, all I want to do is eat. Sometimes, I succeed at getting past these emotions but sometimes I don't. When I want food to quell an emotion, I begin to feel exactly like a drug addict. I NEED the food. I have to have it. I get anxious about not getting it. If I don't get it, I am a mess.

I still occasionally found myself sitting in my car in a grocery store parking lot after shopping with a bag of donuts in my hands shoveling them into my mouth. For a moment as I eat, I feel relief. Whatever is hurting momentarily subsides. But then, the worst part comes. The guilt. The shame. What am I doing?!? And the vicious cycle starts. Well I fucked up now, so I might as well keep going! Leading me into a downward spiral of unhealthy eating and feeding my emotions with food instead of confronting them. If any of you do this, you know exactly what I am talking about! You eat, you feel bad, you get angry at yourself, you eat more to feel better. You eat, you feel bad, you get angry at yourself, you eat more to feel better. It can become a bottomless pit!

In all honesty, I have a great life! I am now married to the most amazing, caring, generous, considerate man. I have an amazing family and awesome friends. My tribe of people whom I love is truly great. I live on an island for goodness sake!

That doesn't instantly mean you are happy. Old habits are hard to break. Old feelings of inadequacy don't shake off as easy as you'd like them too. Self loathing, sadness or anger creeps it's way in and if I let it, it can overtake me sometimes. Just like it's easy to believe all of the horrible things about yourself someone tells you, it's hard to believe all of the good things about yourself you believe or others believe about you.

I recently joined Weightwatchers and while it's purpose is to help you lose weight, which I would like to do, it's also helping me confront my food issues and learn how to have a healthy relationship with food. Food isn't the enemy but it's also not a substitute for dealing with your feelings and emotions. I can eat foods I enjoy and not attach shame to them. If I want a piece of chocolate, I am going to have one. I don't have to eat it in secret. If I am feeling upset and want to reach for food and binge to make myself feel better, there are a myriad of things I can do instead. Go for a walk. Journal. Blog. Talk with a friend. Cuddle my dog.

I thought that I was in control when I was binging when in reality the food was in control...my emotions were in control. I wasn't in control at all. I was completely off the rails. But, now I AM beginning to take back control! I am in charge of my own life. I can do hard things and face tough emotions without stuffing them back down inside with food. .

Admitting some of these truths are hard for me. And I was way more of a secret eater and binger than I even let on here to you now. Life is hard...for everyone. We all struggle with something. Nobody is perfect, nor should we aim to be. We are humans. We are flawed.

And that my friends, is my whole purpose of this blog! To empower and inspire not only others but myself. To acknowledge and express the issue as a way to address the issue. We could all use a little encouragement, even if it has to come from ourselves.

And, if you need a little help or encouragement I am here to give that to you too!