Listen To Your Heart

Gosh, life sure can throw us a few curve balls can't it?!

I am an open book. I overshare and most people know everything about me. I like to think that's what people like about me, my openness and honesty, my authenticity. Because after all, if we aren't real, then what's the point?

All I can ever be is honest and true to myself. Often times, that leads us down paths we never expected. Just like making our way back "home" to Texas, which was an unexpected path for sure, our paths are constantly changing and evolving and just because you choose to walk one way, doesn't mean you aren't allowed to turn around and walk a different way instead.  

I thought that yoga teacher training was my dharma, my path. It was what I was supposed to do because I love yoga and all of the gifts it has given me. I love yoga, no one can dispute that fact. Yoga saved my life once and I am forever grateful for it. I need yoga in my life. I need to practice daily and connect with myself on a spiritual level for my own sanity. We all know that I am my own worst enemy.  I excel at taking care of others, but myself...not so much. It's exhausting and frustrating to constantly be at war with yourself. I thought that teaching yoga was the answer. But after much agonizing and anxiety and tears and tantrums, I have realized that just because I love to practice yoga does not mean that I will love teaching yoga. 

The anxiety is overwhelming. It cripples me from within and manifests itself outwardly. The tears come in waves but when they come, they’re like a flood. Uncontrollable and vicious. I feel sick to my stomach. My head hurts. I'm having trouble breathing steadily. I am having panic attacks more frequently. My skin is breaking out and has a mind of it’s own. My weight is skyrocketing because I turn to food when I am unhappy or uncomfortable. Things that I used to take pleasure in are now just a chore.  

My own yoga practice is suffering. The anxiety has taken the joy and the fun out of it for me to the point where I don’t even want to go to class. Anything that causes me to take a step back from my own practice is never a good thing.  I know nothing worth having ever came easy but when my own well being is at stake, I have to stop and take notice of what my soul is telling me. I am a true believer that if something stops making you happy, then you need to stop doing it!

Do I want to teach? That’s really what it all comes down to, isn’t it? Do I want to teach yoga to others?

I loved doing the 60 Hour Immersion and having the opportunity to delve deeper in my own practice and focus on the history and philosophy of yoga. But if I am honest with myself, I knew from the beginning that IF I did decide to teach (because it's always been an IF) I wouldn't want to teach yoga in a traditional setting. 

I know that ultimately I want to help and inspire others. From someone who has been through hell and back and came out the other side, mostly intact, I want to help others realize their potential and to thrive. But in order to help others I have to help myself first. I have to get my own shit together. I have to put on my own oxygen mask before I help my fellow passengers. I need to work on, once and for all, stopping the noise and nonsense in my head. I am done being a victim of my past and being trapped within this emotional roller coaster. 

A constant theme within me is that I have to find my "thing". The thing that gives my life purpose. The thing that shows me I am worthy of being here. I always feel like I need to prove to the world that I belong here. I'm not a mother, I don't have a fancy important job somewhere. I help my husband run his business, I take care of our house, my husband, and our dog and I give myself to others...all of which I love doing.

Sometimes we listen to others thoughts about what we should do and where we should go instead of trusting in our guts and our own hearts. I know that everyone has fears. Fears of trying new things, fears of change. I also know that even if I do complete the training program I am not obligated to teach. But I am constantly striving to find my my own purpose and I often feel like if I don’t pick yoga, then I have nothing. But I am so much more than any one thing. One of my dearest friends said to me, your “thing” is emotions. You create feelings within people and that is what people will remember in the end. 

My heart is my gift to the world. When will I learn, that it is more than good enough? I don’t have to be anything other than who I am. I just need to be myself and be content with that.

I am not sure where my path will lead me at this exact moment but I am sure in my heart that teaching yoga in any traditional sense is not that path. I have taken on this task twice now and each time I have come to the same conclusion. I think that it's time that I take notice of these feelings and follow them.

And that beautiful, sacred yoga space I created for myself. It will still be just that. A beautiful, sacred yoga space for myself or for anyone who wants to join me. I am not giving up yoga. If anything I am giving myself over to yoga even more. I am making more time for my own practice, more time for my own inner peace and happiness. I am making more time to actually put a plan into action to make myself feel better. It's time to listen to my own truth, my own heart and follow it and trust in it's wisdom. To just be me. A woman who is worthy.