Happy Halloween

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I LOVE dressing up! It allows my creativity to flow and I tend to get a little overexcited about putting my costume together. I wish it were acceptable to wear costumes on a regular basis...getting to be someone else, other than yourself for a brief period of time is pretty fun!

My hubby and I started dressing up together about 9 years ago. I usually want us to have a matching theme but he usually wants to be a Superhero so we don't always go together ;) It's so much fun to dress up and hand out candy to the kids. Kids get so excited when they show up and the grown-ups are dressed up. Oh smiling happy kids...they are my jam! I am very easy to make happy.

I'm sure you're not surprised that I don't like the scary aspect of Halloween. I like the bubble gum, fun, everything is jolly type of Halloween. I'm a total wimp when it comes to scary stuff and I don't want to scare the kids either so it's a good excuse to avoid the creepy stuff.

This year, since we are on an island, I have been told to not expect any kids at all. I am devastated! It's no surprise that there aren't many kids on the island at Halloween. There are not many annual residents here, mostly vacationers, and the people that do live here year round are usually older.  Give me a second while I shed a little tear. I bought a TON of candy because I am also the person who gives out a handful instead of just one piece. That candy is just staring at me, calling my name. I am going to have to find somewhere to donate it or else I am in danger of turning into a piece of chocolate.

That being said, we will still dress up and go all out. Even if only one child comes to the door, I want to see them happy and smiling...and that one kid will get so much candy from us. Sorry to their Mom and Dad in advance :)

So to all you goblins, ghosts, ghouls, witches, and superheroes out there, Have a safe and happy Halloween! Enjoy your children, enjoy other peoples children, and enjoy yourselves! It's not everyday that you can eat an entire bag of chocolate and no one will bat an eyelash.

Love is my Gift

It seems as if yesterday I was having a bit of a woe is me kind of day. We all get those days sometimes but most of us just keep their thoughts to themselves. Not me! I sprinkle those feelings all over the place for everyone to see...sometimes only to cringe a bit later on once I've had a minute to collect myself.

That's just me though. A brutally honest over sharer who overthinks :)

Lucky for me, I tend to see my ability to open my heart and spill out what's on the inside a good thing. There are so many things we all have in common, things that we feel and sometimes feel alone about, that I truly believe it helps to occasionally read something and go, oh ok, I am not alone! Here's another lunatic, over thinker, weirdo, warrior, (insert whatever word is fitting) that is just like me.

The whole point of this blog anyway is to find happiness within and to empower and inspire others. I honestly do not really know if anyone even reads this blog except for my husband because I rarely receive feedback from anyone besides him but I figure I am going to keep writing and keep sharing because maybe, just maybe, I am secretly speaking to someone, even if I don't know it.
(P.S. if you do read, let me know, share your thoughts)

So I had a bad day yesterday. I let outside influences overwhelm me and get the best of me. It happens a lot. Most days I can grit my teeth and keep on keeping on and some days, I just feel it take over. I have a little cry (or even a tantrum) and then I am back on my merry way.

Last night, after dinner, sitting outside on the deck with my husband Mike, watching the sunset, we began having a discussion about what it is that is my "thing".  He shared a quote with me that he had seen that day "The most important work you will ever do, will be within the walls of your own home." That struck a chord with me. Mike pointed out to me be that I should be proud of who I am. That's what my "thing" is...being myself. Sharing myself with others. Taking care of my family.

I may not be "successful" in the outwardly ways that that the world or society views as successful. The world sets certain expectations of us, especially women, that define success. Get married, raise a family, have an established career, make money, live in a big house, be thin, be pretty...blah, blah, blah. In reality, most of this stuff is irrelevant. Success should be about becoming the best version of yourself possible. We should all be able to define success on our own terms, achieve it by our own rules and then build a life that we are proud to live. Success will be different for every single one of us.

One of my greatest successes, I believe, is my heart. My ability to share myself and spread love wherever I go. Cultivating relationships with family and friends, being an Auntie, these are things that I am proud of. I want to be the person, who at the end of my life, is surrounded by people who love me, people who feel that I have made a difference in their life. I want that when people speak of me, they speak of love.

So for me, my success is love. It's my gift to the world.

And if I'm being honest, which let's face it, I always am...that seems like a pretty damn good thing to be successful at.

Purpose

A recurring theme with me is that I am not important in the world...

I don't mean that I don't matter. I know that there are people in my life that I matter a lot to.
What I mean is, I am not important in the grand scheme of the world. I am not doing anything that is going to change the world or even really make a difference for that fact. I am not contributing to society in any meaningful way.

My husband is a very successful freelance writer, editor and project manager.  He kicks ass at his job! My sister just got an amazing promotion and is now the director of a really awesome kids program at a church. I have friends who are nurses, counselors, therapists, Realtors...friends who have very high powered important corporate jobs...friends who are actors, singers, artists...friends who are off doing something amazing every single day.

And here I sit...

I am not writing this for pity. I am not writing this to whine or complain. I am writing this, because this is what I do, I over share as a way of self discovery. Maybe if I put the words down on paper (or the computer) I will find my own path.

When I was younger, I was absolutely sure that I wanted to be a nurse. Then I quickly realized that I cannot stand the sight of blood and thus would be useless as a nurse. Then I was absolutely sure that I was going to be a pop star...then a mother...then a teacher...then a music teacher...then a teacher again...then a nanny...then a yoga teacher...

See a pattern here?

I am almost 38 years old and I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.
I see people rushing here and there, doing important work. It's hard sometimes to feel like I am not just taking up space.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my life. I am very fortunate and I am well aware of that. I enjoy working at home with my husband helping him run his business and running the house. There's just something missing...and lord help me, I just cannot seem to figure it the hell out!

I have been reading a lot of books lately about how to live your best life, how to discover your hidden treasure. My shovel must be broken or something because I have been digging and digging for years and I still haven't found it.

Sometimes I feel alone inside myself. Like I have a little hole inside and no matter what I do, I just can't seem to fill that hole.

I don't know if it's because of my past life, where I basically didn't exist anymore and was beat down so much that I broke and don't know how to patch myself back up. Maybe it's because I lost my Mom and just cannot seem to get over that loss.

I know I am not the only one in the world that feels this way but sometimes it feels pretty lonely over here at the corner of self doubt and indecision.

It's never too late to be what you might have been. So, what is my passion? What is my soul calling for me to do?  I want to do something meaningful. I want to inspire people, help people, make a difference. But what?!

That, I guess, is for me to figure out. Back to the drawing board...