Happy Holidays

The holidays can be a tough time of year for many. Either you're missing someone and wishing they were with you or you are surrounded by people and just wish some of them would go away ;) There are so many expectations around this time of year. Holiday gifts to buy, cookies to bake, parties to attend. The list can sometimes be endless. It's easy for our heads and our wallets to get overwhelmed and for the season to go by like a blur.

All too often, we forget what this season is supposed to be about.
Love.
Plain and simple.

As the mean old Grinch once thought, "What if Christmas doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?"

Whether you are religious or not, celebrating Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, or just waiting for Santa to arrive, the basis of everything is love.

A season of hope, love, and togetherness. A time to celebrate what really brings joy to our hearts...each other.

This holiday season I plan to take a deep breathe and take in all of the things I have to be grateful for. Spread love everywhere I go. Lend someone a smile. Give extra hugs. Offer a little bit of myself and my heart to those around me.

After all, material things fade.

But love....
Love endures. Love heals. Love conquers.

Wishing you all a very happy holiday season, whatever you celebrate and even if you don't celebrate anything at all. I wish for you peace, joy and happiness. I wish for your hearts to be full this season.

But most of all....I wish you love.

Be the Change.

I have rewritten this post over and over again. I don't really know what to say anymore so I will just say this...

Shine your light.
Share kindness.
Have an open heart.
Speak words of love.
Embrace and celebrate one another.
Show compassion.
Be the change.
SPREAD LOVE.

Happy Halloween

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I LOVE dressing up! It allows my creativity to flow and I tend to get a little overexcited about putting my costume together. I wish it were acceptable to wear costumes on a regular basis...getting to be someone else, other than yourself for a brief period of time is pretty fun!

My hubby and I started dressing up together about 9 years ago. I usually want us to have a matching theme but he usually wants to be a Superhero so we don't always go together ;) It's so much fun to dress up and hand out candy to the kids. Kids get so excited when they show up and the grown-ups are dressed up. Oh smiling happy kids...they are my jam! I am very easy to make happy.

I'm sure you're not surprised that I don't like the scary aspect of Halloween. I like the bubble gum, fun, everything is jolly type of Halloween. I'm a total wimp when it comes to scary stuff and I don't want to scare the kids either so it's a good excuse to avoid the creepy stuff.

This year, since we are on an island, I have been told to not expect any kids at all. I am devastated! It's no surprise that there aren't many kids on the island at Halloween. There are not many annual residents here, mostly vacationers, and the people that do live here year round are usually older.  Give me a second while I shed a little tear. I bought a TON of candy because I am also the person who gives out a handful instead of just one piece. That candy is just staring at me, calling my name. I am going to have to find somewhere to donate it or else I am in danger of turning into a piece of chocolate.

That being said, we will still dress up and go all out. Even if only one child comes to the door, I want to see them happy and smiling...and that one kid will get so much candy from us. Sorry to their Mom and Dad in advance :)

So to all you goblins, ghosts, ghouls, witches, and superheroes out there, Have a safe and happy Halloween! Enjoy your children, enjoy other peoples children, and enjoy yourselves! It's not everyday that you can eat an entire bag of chocolate and no one will bat an eyelash.

Love is my Gift

It seems as if yesterday I was having a bit of a woe is me kind of day. We all get those days sometimes but most of us just keep their thoughts to themselves. Not me! I sprinkle those feelings all over the place for everyone to see...sometimes only to cringe a bit later on once I've had a minute to collect myself.

That's just me though. A brutally honest over sharer who overthinks :)

Lucky for me, I tend to see my ability to open my heart and spill out what's on the inside a good thing. There are so many things we all have in common, things that we feel and sometimes feel alone about, that I truly believe it helps to occasionally read something and go, oh ok, I am not alone! Here's another lunatic, over thinker, weirdo, warrior, (insert whatever word is fitting) that is just like me.

The whole point of this blog anyway is to find happiness within and to empower and inspire others. I honestly do not really know if anyone even reads this blog except for my husband because I rarely receive feedback from anyone besides him but I figure I am going to keep writing and keep sharing because maybe, just maybe, I am secretly speaking to someone, even if I don't know it.
(P.S. if you do read, let me know, share your thoughts)

So I had a bad day yesterday. I let outside influences overwhelm me and get the best of me. It happens a lot. Most days I can grit my teeth and keep on keeping on and some days, I just feel it take over. I have a little cry (or even a tantrum) and then I am back on my merry way.

Last night, after dinner, sitting outside on the deck with my husband Mike, watching the sunset, we began having a discussion about what it is that is my "thing".  He shared a quote with me that he had seen that day "The most important work you will ever do, will be within the walls of your own home." That struck a chord with me. Mike pointed out to me be that I should be proud of who I am. That's what my "thing" is...being myself. Sharing myself with others. Taking care of my family.

I may not be "successful" in the outwardly ways that that the world or society views as successful. The world sets certain expectations of us, especially women, that define success. Get married, raise a family, have an established career, make money, live in a big house, be thin, be pretty...blah, blah, blah. In reality, most of this stuff is irrelevant. Success should be about becoming the best version of yourself possible. We should all be able to define success on our own terms, achieve it by our own rules and then build a life that we are proud to live. Success will be different for every single one of us.

One of my greatest successes, I believe, is my heart. My ability to share myself and spread love wherever I go. Cultivating relationships with family and friends, being an Auntie, these are things that I am proud of. I want to be the person, who at the end of my life, is surrounded by people who love me, people who feel that I have made a difference in their life. I want that when people speak of me, they speak of love.

So for me, my success is love. It's my gift to the world.

And if I'm being honest, which let's face it, I always am...that seems like a pretty damn good thing to be successful at.

Purpose

A recurring theme with me is that I am not important in the world...

I don't mean that I don't matter. I know that there are people in my life that I matter a lot to.
What I mean is, I am not important in the grand scheme of the world. I am not doing anything that is going to change the world or even really make a difference for that fact. I am not contributing to society in any meaningful way.

My husband is a very successful freelance writer, editor and project manager.  He kicks ass at his job! My sister just got an amazing promotion and is now the director of a really awesome kids program at a church. I have friends who are nurses, counselors, therapists, Realtors...friends who have very high powered important corporate jobs...friends who are actors, singers, artists...friends who are off doing something amazing every single day.

And here I sit...

I am not writing this for pity. I am not writing this to whine or complain. I am writing this, because this is what I do, I over share as a way of self discovery. Maybe if I put the words down on paper (or the computer) I will find my own path.

When I was younger, I was absolutely sure that I wanted to be a nurse. Then I quickly realized that I cannot stand the sight of blood and thus would be useless as a nurse. Then I was absolutely sure that I was going to be a pop star...then a mother...then a teacher...then a music teacher...then a teacher again...then a nanny...then a yoga teacher...

See a pattern here?

I am almost 38 years old and I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.
I see people rushing here and there, doing important work. It's hard sometimes to feel like I am not just taking up space.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my life. I am very fortunate and I am well aware of that. I enjoy working at home with my husband helping him run his business and running the house. There's just something missing...and lord help me, I just cannot seem to figure it the hell out!

I have been reading a lot of books lately about how to live your best life, how to discover your hidden treasure. My shovel must be broken or something because I have been digging and digging for years and I still haven't found it.

Sometimes I feel alone inside myself. Like I have a little hole inside and no matter what I do, I just can't seem to fill that hole.

I don't know if it's because of my past life, where I basically didn't exist anymore and was beat down so much that I broke and don't know how to patch myself back up. Maybe it's because I lost my Mom and just cannot seem to get over that loss.

I know I am not the only one in the world that feels this way but sometimes it feels pretty lonely over here at the corner of self doubt and indecision.

It's never too late to be what you might have been. So, what is my passion? What is my soul calling for me to do?  I want to do something meaningful. I want to inspire people, help people, make a difference. But what?!

That, I guess, is for me to figure out. Back to the drawing board...

Imperfectly Beautiful

This is not an easy post for me to write and share because I am SO self conscious but I felt like it was time to face my demons head on.

I suffer from melasma. As much I hate the thought, I am going to share photos of my untouched face.  Not because I want pity but because I want to show you the real, imperfect me. I want others who maybe suffer with any kind of skin condition to know that it's normal and that it's ok to be imperfectly beautiful.

Melasma, or hyperpigmentation, is a skin problem which causes brown or grey patches of discoloration on the face. According the the American Association of Dermatology, women are far more likely to get melasma, with men just be 10% of the cases. It's often quite common for women during pregnancy and is often called the mask of pregnancy, and most times will go away on it's own after birth.  However, for some very unlucky few, like me, it's something that can be very hard to prevent, cover and treat.

The most recommended way to prevent melasma is of course sun protection, as sun exposure makes the spots worse. I slather my face every day in sunscreen (zinc oxide is best) and I wear a wide brimmed hat as often as possible, but for me, since I currently live on the coast, staying out of the sun is near impossible...and truthfully, it's something that's just not realistic for me since I LOVE being outside.

I have spent countless amounts of money on products that are supposed to clear your melasma spots, and makeup that is supposed to cover and hide your melasma. I have spent hours researching melasma online, what vitamins I should be taking, what dietary changes I should make, what products to use and not use, but there is so much information out there, it's virtually impossible to sift through it all and make a realistic plan. And despite all my efforts and money spent, I'm not much better off anyway.

It's a constant battle everyday when I look in the mirror to not be self conscious and upset. I waste an exorbitant of time worrying about how my face looks to others. For the most part, most of the dark patches on my face don't really bother me. However, I have what my sister and I "affectionately" refer to a permastache. It's OK, you can giggle, it is kind of funny. The trouble with my permastache is that I look like I have just that...a permanent mustache! Which, as a woman, is terribly unfortunate.

I am so embarrassed by this and it causes me so much anxiety. I am a bridesmaid in one of my best friends weddings on October the 1st and I'm also singing as she walks down the aisle and all I can think about is how awful I am going to look in the photos and if I will be able to cover it up enough so that it's not noticeable.

I have found a few products that are passable but they don't last long without reapplication and it's so heavy that I feel like I am wearing a mask of makeup. I hate leaving the house without a full face of makeup and it's such a drag. Truthfully, sometimes covering up the spots with makeup actually makes the spots more pronounced.

So as I woke up this morning to get ready for a fun Saturday with my husband (after another night laying in bed worrying about what I can do to fix my face), I looked in the mirror and thought fuck it!

Seriously! I have wasted too much time and energy on focusing on something that, at this point, is a losing battle. I am not my permastache. I am SO much more than that!

It's hard when we live in a world where so much emphasis is put on a woman's appearance. Every TV show, magazine, movie and celebrity wants to tell us what is acceptable and what's not.  We are judged on everything, from our weight, our jobs, our clothing, our hair, to our skin. When will we be enough just the way we are?

I can preach all day long about self love, because in my heart I truly believe it. When I look at my friends, I see their beauty for who they are...they are so much more than what we see on the outside. Applying that to myself is not as easy. I can blame my abusive ex for planting ideas in my head about how I'm not good enough but it's time that I take a good hard look at myself, at who I really am.

I am a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter, an auntie who loves with her whole heart. I am kind. I would do anything for those I love. I am fiercely loyal. I am creative. I am funny. I love to have fun and explore new things. I am smart. I am a shell seeking, dog obsessed, yoga loving, gypsy mermaid!  

I am not my skin, my face, my hair, or my body.

Like the broken shells I find on the beach, I am imperfectly beautiful. Flaws are not who we are, they are just part of what makes us unique...what makes us human.

I am beautiful, just the way I am.

And that's pretty damn amazing!

Hurricanes and Happiness

What do you do when there's a hurricane and you are stuck inside? Write your blog, of course!

August was a very eventful month. We packed up and headed south to Florida and have spent the last few weeks settling in and getting the house organized.

The house we are renting is fully furnished and decorated which is great and made moving in super easy...that was until I decided that I wanted to change pretty much everything about the place and put my own spin on it :)

So, I completely redecorated the house ( I mean, bedding, towels, wall hangings, knick knacks....everything!)  The owners said we could redecorate but I'm not sure she realized that I would change EVERYTHING! Lol! I hope she doesn't pop over for a visit because I think she will be very shocked. I have all of her stuff hidden away in any nook and cranny I could find...behind the entertainment stand, at the tops of closets where I can't reach anyway, and under every bed in the house. So now we have the house just the way we want it and can start enjoying island life.

Not that we haven't been enjoying it already! Being able to work from home and take little breaks during the day to walk down to the beach cafe for a bite to eat or walk across the street to the beach to swim for half an hour or so has been amazing and exactly what I hoped our life here would entail.

I still can't really believe we live here and I keep waiting for Mike to tell me that I need to pack up and head home to Ohio! I have always dreamed of living by the ocean ever since I was a little girl and to be able to have the dream turn into a reality...I am one lucky girl!

Fast forward to the present and we are dealing with a hurricane.

When Mike said we should look for a raised house I was very argumentative. I thought it would be too difficult for Goldie (since she only has 3 legs) to negotiate the stairs multiple times a day for potty breaks. She has since proved me wrong, like she does every time I underestimate her. We bought her a special carrying harness and for the first few days we had to wear her like a purse and carry her down and back up the stairs every single time she needed to go out. She very quickly started going up the stairs on her own and now will go down the stairs on her own if you set her on the second from the top step. She is amazing! I can't imagine how terrified I would be of stairs if I was missing a leg!

Anyway, Mike was right, as usual and I am SO glad right now that we live in a raised house! Our street is completely underwater and most of our driveway is as well.  We have been fortunate enough that the water hasn't come up to our garage yet, but we have lattice blow out walls for that very reason to let the water go through. Our yard is flooded as well but there is any empty lot across the street that is just high enough that we can wade Goldie across the street to the grassy lot for potty breaks.

Every place we have lived has challenges and sometimes you have to deal with some pretty crazy stuff to be able to fully appreciate and enjoy the good stuff!

We were prepared. We bought water and food, extra dog food for Goldie and had candles and flashlights at the ready. I even went out one day and floated in the street for a bit (before the water got too high and nasty).

Life is all about what you make of it...how you deal with situations that are thrown your way. Not every day is going to be an easy day. It's when you're faced with the hard, scary stuff that you see what you're really made of.  Sometimes you just have to try and find the silver lining in a bad situation. Put on your wellies and wade through the high water, and smile!

Now, I gotta go put on my bathing suit and go dance in the rain....

Lebanon Love

Little ditty about Mike and Becks May

Two gypsy kids, moving down near Tampa Bay.

Mikey's gonna be a boogie boarding star 

Becks gonna be a sea turtle saving czar. 

Suckin' on popsicles outside on the sand

Becks sittin' on Mikey's lap

He's got his hand in her hand.

Mikey says "Hey Becks let's run off 

and find some manatees, 

I know you're excited, but try not to scream!"

And Mikey says,

Oh yeah we're living by the sea

strolling hand in hand just you and me!

Oh yeah we're living by the sea

Mike and Becks, just two gypsies!

One week from today we will be hitching up our gypsy wagon and heading South. It's been an adventure the last 11 years and there's no slowing down now!

I wanted to take a minute to give a shout out to our sweet town of Lebanon, Ohio. This is my husband Mike's hometown. He grew up here and left right after high school and didn't return until he came back with me in 2013. When we came back, the town embraced him as if he'd never left. I am not surprised by that fact because Mike is such a likable person. What I didn't expect was that the people of this town would embrace me as one of their own as well. I have never once been treated as an outsider and have been accepted and loved by everyone I have met here. It's been a unique and special experience for both of us, making memories with old friends, making new lifelong friends and spending time with loved ones. We have loved every second of living here and we are going to miss it so much. But you will always be in our hearts Lebanon and you have become part of the tapestry that makes up our love story. Thank you for your love, thank you for your charm and thank you for being our home for the last 3 years!

My weight is not who I am...

I have an obsession...and it's not a healthy one. I am obsessed with my weight. Not just like oh I am unhappy with weight, like a full blown I have a mental breakdown if the scale doesn't say what I want it too obsession.

I am 100% all for body positivity! I can preach to my friends and other women all day about loving your body and accepting yourself. And I believe it when I say it to my friends. I see their beauty. But, I do not practice what I preach. I try and I fail on a daily basis. 

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I had a complete meltdown over my weight. Here's the kicker....it was over a 3 pound gain that took place over a month long period! 3 lousy little insignificant pounds! Even typing it out sounds so ridiculous!

The scale is my enemy, or at least I have made it my enemy. I base my self worth on what number I see. If it's a good number then I am happy, if it's a "bad" number then I lose my shit. It will throw me into a spiral of depression and despite all of the wonderful things happening in my life, I will focus on that damn number. 

I felt better when I woke up this morning but even my Bestie noticed it today when we were together and totally called me out on it. I have to STOP obsessing. I have to stop being mean to myself. I have to start putting into practice what I tell all the other women in my life...to love myself, fully and wholly, not just when a number tells me it's ok to love myself.

Its time to start obsessing about the things I love about myself. Focus on what makes me a good human being, on what I offer to the world. My weight does not dictate who I am. I am not a number on the scale. If I am honest with myself, I am pretty sure that the people that matter in my life do not see a number when they look at me. They see my heart and my spirit shining through.

I am throwing away the scale. I am taking back my power. I am going to start looking at myself through the same eyes I look at the people who matter to me...with eyes of love.

Love Conquers All

Most of our hearts have been taking a beating as we process all of the hatred that has been happening lately. It's been a rough few days...let's face it, it's been a rough lifetime.

We live in a country where we pride ourselves on our rights to speak our minds and believe in what we want. Despite that though, there are those who believe more in intolerance and hate than love.

It's time to remember who we are as human beings. That if we get down to it, despite the fact that we are all different and unique and special in our way, we are still human. We still all want the same things in life...to be who we are and be accepted..to love and be loved. It's time to be decent human beings to each other. To spread love and kindness. To stand together and stand tall.

Love conquers all and will always outshine hate. Let's remember that now, let us never forget. Enough is enough. We cannot allow the hate to win. To overshadow all the goodness and light. Love will always win if we stand together. 

So let's stand together now. If you see someone who needs your light, share it. If there's someone who needs your love, give it. If there's someone who needs your shoulder, lend it. We are stronger together and we are stronger with love as our uniting front.

Shine On

There will always be people who don't like you. No matter what. Not everyone will understand your dreams, desires or your heart. The key is to let their negativity bounce off of you and to not allow them to dull your sparkle. You are not for everyone and that's ok.

But, you are definitely for some and those people will love you fiercely, just the way you are. Focus your heart on them. Be yourself. Surround yourself with those who lift you up. Celebrate each other. Be proud of who you are. Make no apologies. Life is just way too short to spend your life being ashamed or hiding who you are. Let nothing or no one dim that light that shines from within.

As Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

It's the Little Things

Happiness for me is...

A sugary cup of tea
Chocolate, of any kind
Painted toenails
A nectarine so juicy it dribbles all over my chin
Sex
Laughter, especially my husbands when he giggles like a little boy
The ocean
Dogs
My family and friends
A new planner or water bottle (I have an addiction)
Being organized
Freshly laundered sheets
The smell of coffee
Collecting shells
Yoga
Being in nature
Walks
Singing at the top of lungs when no one is around
Dancing
Books, real ones
My Mom's shortbread
Tattoos
Flip flops
Manatees
Love
Children
Big earrings
Music
A ripe banana
Just shaven, silky smooth legs
A mason jar full of flowers
The way my husbands foot has to touch mine at night in bed
Pajamas
Taking photographs
Funny autocorrects when I text
Cuddling
Sunshine


What makes you happy? Take a minute to think about all the little blessings in your life that make you smile. 

Let's Go On An Adventure

Sometimes dreams do come true...and way faster than you every imagined! When things are meant to be they happen easily and quickly...some might call it destiny. 

I realized when my Mom died that life is short. We only get a limited time here on earth to experience all it has to offer. Sometimes you just have to leap right in and pray that you don't hit your head on the way down. You have to believe that life is an adventure and what comes your way will work out. 

I never used to believe in fate, that things happen when they are meant to happen. But life is funny and a lot of things in my life, paths chosen, experiences taken, have led me to this extremely fulfilling life full of love and adventure.

When you can experience life with someone who makes you laugh, fills your heart with so much love and genuinely makes you a better person...well then I say why not?

Mike and I have worked hard for this life. We designed it this way. Being able to work from home  being our own boss, giving ourselves the freedom to make our own choices. We have taken so many risks in the last 11 years together and each experience, whether good or bad, has brought us some sort of fulfillment.

11 years ago when we were both going through ugly divorces and faced with a 20 year age gap, knowing that we would be up against some people who would try to keep us apart, we fought tooth and nail for our love. 

Often times, we set up obstacles or reasons why we can't do something, instead of figuring out all the reasons that we CAN! Change is scary. Taking a risk is scary. But the result can be so beautiful and so amazing that you will wonder why you were ever afraid!

I'm not saying that I am never afraid. On the contrary, I am always afraid. Fear is a constant in my daily life and I feel that the best way to conquer your fears is to take them head on. Dive right in, and wear a cute helmet if you need too ;) 

Our Florida move is super exciting, but it's also super scary. Packing up, again, and moving to a new place, alone. Just the two of us (and Goldie, of course). But I just know in my heart that this is where we are supposed to be on our path. The beach is calling us and we are listening. My soul is in the ocean and my heart beats to the rhythm of the waves kissing the shore.

In 67 days we will be moving into our new townhouse 5 minutes from the beach. What?!? The townhouse is fully furnished which means we are moving in true Gypsy style...our clothes, a few personal belongings and each other.

What more could we need?

Chase you dreams. Follow your heart. Stare fear in the face. You never know what wonderful adventure awaits!

Life is hard...Love is the answer

A week ago I posted my story. Some people were surprised, some people were even confused. It was a tough blog to write and it kind of put me in a weird place for a few days. Dredging up bad memories is hard. It's hard to not let them seep in and take over. I am my own worst enemy and that's part of the reason that I strive for a life full of positivity.

Later on that day, I received a private message from a woman who poured her heart out to me. She told me that reading my post that day had ignited a fire inside of her. It had given her the strength and courage (that she always had inside of her) to decide to leave her current abusive situation. I sobbed as I read her messages to me. I cried for her. I cried for myself. It was so intense. My writing had inspired someone to step forward, share their story with me, and find the courage to choose a better ending to her life. That's powerful stuff right there.


The thing is, bad stuff happens to everyone. No one is immune to the shit that life has to throw at us. Everyone experiences loss in their lives. Everyone experience challenges, and unwanted changes. People who we love will betray us. We will be hurt in ways we never imagined. Things are happening in the world right now that are so awful, it takes our breath away. Life is tough. We all have times when we need to put on on a brave face and march out into the chaos with our heads held high.

I believe the heart of life is good. I believe in love. I believe that there are more good people in the world than bad. But, we have to work together, to buoy one another up. Encourage each other. Love one another. Be kind. Help others in need. There is enough hurt and hatred already in the world. We can save ourselves and each other with just a little bit of love!

I survived!

I think I have told bits and pieces of my story over the years to people but I don't think that I have actually sat down and poured the whole thing out at once. This won't be an easy story for me to tell but it's an important one.

I came across a hashtag that was trending today #maybehedoesnthityou which is aiming to raise awareness for domestic violence. It's purpose it to share the message that domestic violence isn't just physical, that it comes in many forms. If one person can read my story or any story related to domestic violence and it helps to give them the courage to ask for help, that's HUGE!
So, I felt that it was time to really share my story. From beginning to end, with all the nastiness in between. The purpose of telling my story is not for people to feel sorry for me but to share what happened to me and to prove that you really can come out the other side. To show others who are victims or survivors that life can be better...in fact, it can be pretty freaking amazing!

A lot of people know who this person is already but for the purposes of this story let's just call him "Paul".

I met Paul when I was 16 at my first job. He was my boss and 3 years older than me.  I absolutely despised him. I wish that I would have listened to my gut but I can't dwell on that now.
He was arrogant, rude and nasty. I could NOT stand the guy. One day at work, he expressed his interest in my sister to me. For some reason I will never be able to fathom, I said to him, why ask my sister out, why not ask me?

He called me a couple of days later and asked me to the movies. I said yes. I was 17.

We dated for the next two years. He picked fights with me all the time. He was rude. He said mean things about me, my family and my friends. He was controlling and very jealous. I became very overweight from the stress of it all and once that happened, he had his hooks in me for good. Since I was overweight, he could add fat and ugly and nobody would ever want me, to the list of things that were awful about me. He would tell me stories about "incidences" with previous girlfriends who made him mad and made it sound as if these women were the problem and not him. In my head, I knew the truth, but by this time I was already so broken down that I felt like I had no other options. The thing about abusers is they know just what to say to push your buttons. They know how to manipulate you.

When I was 19, he proposed to me. Again, I said yes....

Looking back now as I tell this story, I don't know why I said yes. Why I didn't run for the hills. Truth is, I was in love with him. I thought in his own strange way, that he loved me too. It's like I am telling a story about someone else. It's very easy to read this and say what the hell was I thinking. I wasn't. He had completely changed who I was and how I felt about myself. I thought no one else would ever love someone like me. Here he was offering to marry me. No one else was coming for me. This was my only chance.

We moved in together. I believed that I could change him. If I loved him enough, he would love me back. If I could "fix" all the bad stuff about myself, he would realize that I was worthy of his love. The fights became more scathing. Now we were completely alone and there was no chance of someone hearing what he said to me. I lost a lot of weight but again, it was never good enough. Nothing I ever did was good enough. If he fell down and hurt himself, it was my fault. It was always my fault. I could be somewhere else and something would happen and I would get blamed. I used to call him every night before I headed home from work to try and gauge his temper. That hard part was that he was very good and tricking me. So I would drive home thinking things were okay and I would walk into the house and all hell would break loose.

I was afraid every day. I never knew what he would say or do.

We got married when I was 21. Nothing changed. If anything, it became worse. I made excuses for him. He was stressed. He'd had a tough day at work. If I could just be more (insert any word here) then he wouldn't be so angry. In my heart I knew that this was not normal and not okay. I would lock myself in the bathroom to hide from him and just cry, all the while, he would be banging on the door, screaming at the top of his lungs. I believed then that he would kill me and this was before he had ever become physical with me.

He once called me in the middle of a spa appointment (which he had bought me as a gift) to come home immediately because he had pink eye and yes, it was my fault. He made me come home from a shopping outing with friends so that I could order him a pizza. He had complete control. He knew that I was afraid of him and would do whatever he required of me.

It became so out of control. I wasn't allowed to see friends. I had to beg him to be able to go to the movies with my Mom. I wasn't allowed to eat at restaurants he liked without him or see a movie he thought he might like to see. I had no access to money. He took away my checkbook and credit cards. I had to beg him for money to buy shampoo. I had book club once every month and every time it rolled around it was a huge deal. I often left book club early because it was just easier that way. Easier to please him and make myself look like a fool in front of my friends.

Again, as I read this I am shaking my head, like, why didn't you just say no. I did say no. So many times. My life was full of fear and saying no was the WORST thing I could say to him. So I said yes, I hung my head and did what he told me to do. It was safer that way.

I don't remember the exact moment he first hit me. It all just sort of runs together at this point.

There was the time I used our truck to help my Dad take some things to the dump. Upon my return, I see Paul standing in the middle of our street, hands gesturing, screaming wildly, neighbors looking on. He was angry that I had taken the truck without asking. He ran up to the truck, yanked open the car door and dragged me out into the street. He was beyond furious! He pulled me into the house and began hitting me. He was smart though, he hit places where I could cover up the bruises.

Another time he almost threw me down the stairs because I forgot to water the plants. I only missed tumbling down the stairs because I stuck my leg out and it hit the banister and that held me there.

One day on the way to the gym he beat me up because I had arrived home from work at the same time I always did but he wanted to go to the gym earlier and he had to wait for me. All I could do was cower over as far as I could into my seat and hope that some of the blows wouldn't reach me.

There are too many stories to tell. Honestly, things like this happened almost everyday. Not always physical but always hurtful. They all started and ended the same. I was to blame. It was me. If it had been a particularly big fight, there would be flowers, and a card. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. You just made me so angry. Even in his apology, it was still my fault.

I never told anyone about the abuse. No one. I kept it a secret. I was embarrassed. I was afraid to leave. My family and friends knew he was a jerk but they never knew exactly what was happening behind closed doors.

Finally, one day, I had enough. I knew that this was not right. I didn't have to live this way. I made the decision to leave. I was scared beyond belief. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy but I knew it was now or never. One day, we WOULD

hit me hard enough to kill me. I deserved more than this. I called my Mom and told her everything and that I was coming to stay for a while. Her exact words were "Thank God! Finally!"

I was going away for the weekend with my book club. Naturally, there was a huge fight, punches were thrown. I took it. I knew that this was the last time he would ever touch me again. I would no longer be a victim. I was taking his power away.

I knew that if I tried to leave when he was home, I most definitely would not make it out alive. If he couldn't have me, no one could. So I waited until I knew he was golfing with his Dad and along with two of my amazing friends, went to the house to grab a few things. I grabbed old family photos, a few changes of clothes and things that meant something to me personally. I knew I couldn't take it all. I knew what I left would probably be trashed or burned. I kissed my dog goodbye and clutched my laundry basket full of belongings. I left him a note on the kitchen table. I told him I was leaving and that I would call him when I was ready to talk. I picked up the flowers and card he had left for me (surprise, surprise) and threw them in the trash. I went to my friends house because I knew he didn't know where she lived and waited, shaking the whole time. I had actually left. Oh my god!

About an hour later, the phone call came. Absolute hysteria. He threatened to kill himself. He said he was coming to find me. I called his dad and told him he needed to turn back around and go back to the house and stay with him. I explained that I left and I wasn't coming back.

I called him back later. Even though I hated him, I didn't want him to kill himself. I told him that I wanted a divorce. He was not happy. He stalked me for about a week at my parents. He waited for me outside the house. I threatened to call the police. I was no longer afraid of him. I had left. I had made it out. He no longer had control over me. I filed for a divorce. It was finally over.

This is where the story gets better. In a random chat room one day I meet Mike. We talk for six months and become best friends. We are both dealing with a nasty divorce and we become each others confidante. In that six months we learn everything there is to know about one another. I can feel myself falling in love with him. We decide to meet on neutral ground. He's in Indiana, I'm in Minnesota. We pick Chicago. As I am coming down the escalator to baggage claim where he is waiting for me, I see him. My heart skips a beat and I know. I know that this is the man I am going to marry. This is that man that will have my heart for all eternity. As we share our first kiss, I know that my life will never be full of anger or hurt again.

That was 11 years ago. Every single day since then has been a day full of love and laughter. I do not live in fear. I live in love. My life is full of happiness. He is mine and I am his. Forever.

My life has been forever changed because of what happened to me but I would do it all over again if I knew it would lead me to this place I am now. I am stronger because of my story. I am braver. I am a survivor. I rose from the mud.

As awful as it all was, it's my story. It's part of who I am. I'm okay with that. Because, deep down I know it wasn't my fault. I am not to blame. He is.

If you are someone who is being abused please seek help. Know that it can get better. It will get better. We only get this one life to live. Do not spend another day in fear. You can do this. I believe in you.

Blame it on my Gypsy Soul

The universe has such an unexpected way of showing you your path. Most times you don't even notice what it's trying to tell you but every once a while, something happens, there's a shift and suddenly that path is clear.

My husband and I just returned from a 2 week vacation to Anna Maria Island, Florida. The first time we went there was in 2009, shortly before my Mom passed away. It was a beautiful place and we both instantly fell in love with the vibe of the island. But we returned from that trip and we had responsibilities and things that needed our attention and we fell back into our regular routine. The second time we went was last year after our Golden Retriever Sandy passed away. It was a last minute trip, we needed to escape somewhere and grieve and the obvious choice for both of us was to return to the Anna Maria area. We spent that time grieving and healing from our loss. It was an incredible time that we desperately needed. Once again, we returned home, but not before we had booked a return trip for the following year for 2 weeks.

So, this year, we returned to the island. As soon as we crossed the bridge onto the island, I felt my whole mood shift, a calm came over me and I felt, for the first time in quite a while, content. We spent the trip relaxing and had many amazing adventures. The thing that I noticed the most, and my husband noticed too, was that I was completely 100% myself. I wasn't worried about anything, I wasn't self conscious, in fact, I was just the opposite. I felt so connected to myself and for the first time in a very long time, I realized my own power.

Growing up as child, the ocean was a huge part of my life. My mother was raised back and forth between England and the island of Cyprus in the Mediterranean and the ocean was in her blood. We spent many vacations visiting my grandparents in Cyprus, swimming in the sea, snorkeling and shell seeking. I also spent a good portion of my childhood growing up in Southern California, so going to the beach on weekends was a regular occurrence. It was place associated with fun, relaxation, family. It became part of my blood too.

For some reason, on this particular trip, I paid attention to what the universe was trying to tell me. You belong here. This is where you feel yourself. This is where you aren't afraid, where you realize your own worth. This is where your peace is. This is where your heart is.

I don't know how to explain to you how I felt inside, all I know is that it felt right. Friends told me they could see it in my photos. My husband told me he could see it in my face and feel it in the air around me. Lucky for me, he felt the same way too.

My husband and I are lucky enough to be able to live wherever we choose. We work from home together and we have no children so we can follow where our adventurous hearts take us.

The gypsy spirit is within us. Ever since the day we met, we have been exploring what the world has to offer us. Sometimes we settle down for a while, but adventures keep calling us. It's time again for us to take notice and once we get a few loose ends tied up here we will hitch up our gypsy wagon and head south. It may be our last stop, it may not, but what I do know is that life is short and we only get a limited time here on this earth so we have to take the road less traveled, the path laid out before us and dive in head first!

New Year, New Blog!

Happy 2016 y'all!

I have decided today, among many other things, to start a new blog. Blogging is something I toy with off and on and I really enjoy it. However, my last blog focused more on the yoga aspect of my life and as you will see as you read this post, things have changed dramatically for me in the last 24 hours.

Those of you who know me and have been following me on Facebook and my previous blogs will know that I have identified myself as a yogi. I came to yoga after my Mom died to find something that was missing...and I did find it. Yoga changed me and saved me from a very dark time in my life. But as the years have gone on, I lost my passion for it somewhere along the way. I kept pushing through, hoping that if I just found the right studio, the right teacher, the right whatever, that I would fall in love with it all over again and everything would be fine. I continued with it because people thought it was my thing and identified me with it and encouraged me to keep at it. Then when teacher training came up, lots of people told me that it would be good for me, so I signed up. But from the moment I signed up, I knew in my heart that it wasn't what I wanted. I have been denying my true feelings about it and it has been making me miserable.

After a major meltdown this morning and numerous discussions with the people whom I love most, I have made the decision to take a step away from yoga for a while...maybe indefinitely. I have made the decision, after a lot of thought and a lot of tears, to not go forward with my yoga teacher training.

I have always been a people pleaser and often it's to my own detriment. I make decisions and do things based on what I think other people expect or want me to do. Yoga become my thing and began to take on a life of it's own. People identified me with yoga...yoga became my identity.  And as I choose to step away from it, if I'm not a yogi, then what am I?

I strive to be good at something...to find my niche. Maybe it comes from my past and fears of not being good enough. I felt like I had to have a "thing" that I was good at to make people think I was somebody. But I am just now realizing that I don't have to have one special thing. I can just be me and that's okay.

My sister sent me a text after I told her and she said to me, "You are an amazing sister, wife, auntie, friend and daughter and you don't need to be a yoga teacher to prove that. You need to be happy with your decisions and I'm super proud of you no matter what you do"

It made me realize that I am good enough and I have to stop treating myself as if I'm not. I don't have to be a yogi to have an identity. I can just be who I am and that's amazing enough.

I can practice yoga, I can not practice yoga. I can do and be whoever I want to be. I think that for now, I have to focus on finding the happiness within myself. Discover my own journey and my own path without feeling like I have to impress anybody or live up to certain standards.

And that's the purpose of this blog...to help myself and others find the happiness within. We all have the ability to be our own best friend, we just need to discover our own awesomeness!