Fight

There is a recurring theme in my life that plays itself out over and over again.

I feel inadequate.

I search for a "thing" to do to make myself feel worthy.

I start said thing.

My anxiety kicks in and overwhelms me to the point that it's hard to function.

I quit said thing.

I feel relieved for a moment.

I feel inadequate.

I search for a "thing"to do to make myself feel worthy...

Over and over and over again. It's exhausting!

I go through these waves or cycles. I feel great for a while and then once I start to feel comfortable with myself, I start to self sabotage. Something in my by brain kicks in and says "Whoa, hold up there missy...you aren't good enough so don't go convincing yourself otherwise"

Some days I can shut that voice up and some days I can't and it totally consumes me.

I put on a brave face. I post positive messages on Facebook. I work and I work and I work to try and push myself through to the other side.

I have this AMAZING life! I am surrounded by people who love me and support me but instead of focusing on those awesome, wonderful people, I tend to focus on my shortcomings. All of the things that I am "supposed" to be doing.

I am "supposed" to:

Be a mother

Have a traditional job

Be a certain size/weight

Have a certain hair length/color

Be a perfect yogi

Be a perfect wife, sister, auntie, daughter, and friend

I put so much pressure on myself to be the way I think that I am "supposed" to be, that I miss out on actually just being me.

It's exhausting. It's a waste of time.

I know this deep in my heart but my head...boy does my head have other ideas.

I carry a lot of anxiety and guilt over things that are irrelevant.

If I don't practice yoga in a studio 5 times a week, am I really a yogi?

If I don't have a traditional job like everyone else, am I worthless?

If I am not super skinny and don't have long hair like all the images I see in the media, am I even a real woman?

If I don't make everyone in my life happy at all times, am I a failure?

As I type these words I know how stupid they sound. If any one of my friends said these things to me about themselves, I would tell them that they are out of their mind.

Who makes the rules?! Who says there is one right way to do or be?!

We get to decide the rules for ourselves. We get to decide how we live our lives. But it is so damn hard to put the into practice.

I just finished reading "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis. Now I didn't agree with everything she had to say in her book (and I don't have to) but there are multiple things that she did say in her book that completely resonated with me. Like, when I was reading them, I had a "Whoa" moment.

1. "Your life is supposed to be a journey from one unique place to another; it's not supposed to be a merry-go-round that brings you back to the same spot over and over again"

Well damn. This is exactly what I do to myself. I keep circling around to the place where I feel crappy over and over again.

2. "You'll try out some different tool and techniques, and while some of them will feel okay, maybe one will like the answer and then thirty-seven different others will feel like garbage"

I often beat myself up for trying things that don't work out. I feel like I have failed if I don't complete certain things. But not everything will be for me and that's okay. The key is that I keep trying new things. I keep exploring. If I don't find the right fit for me, that's not the end of the world. I just pick myself up and keep moving forward.

3. "Life is not supposed to overwhelm you at all times. Life isn't meant to be merely survived-it's meant to be lived."

YES! THIS! Sometimes I get so caught up in my anxiety that I miss out on all the good stuff.

4. "You must choose to be happy, grateful, and fulfilled. If you make that choice every single day, regardless of where you are or what what's happening, you will happy."

I have this AMAZING life and so many things to be grateful for. I have to make a conscious choice to focus on all that awesomeness. Turning my attention to the good will help me forget about the bad.
Practicing gratitude is so important.

5. "Comparison is the death of joy and the only person you need to be better than is the one you were yesterday"

I constantly compare myself to others when I should be making sure that each day I am the BEST version of myself that I can be. No one else is me, and that is my gift.

6. "Someone else opinion of you is none of your business."

Such powerful words for someone who tends to hold others opinions above my own. What others think of me is their problem. What I think of who I am is what matters the most and most days I am pretty awesome :) I don't have to make people like me or make them understand why I do the things that I do.

7. "If you don't look for the good that came out of what you've lived through, it's all wasted. Because what's the alternative? We live through something crappy, and that's it? We're done for? We allow all he hard, ugliest parts of our lives to color everything else?"

NO NO NO! I refuse to let the ugly color my life! The beauty that came out of my abusive marriage was that I met Mike. If I hadn't have gone through that, I wouldn't have been where I was when I met him. I wouldn't have been open to a relationship with an older man. I wouldn't have appreciated what a true partnership was. I found love in a completely unexpected place because of what I went through. Honestly, if someone had told me that I would have to go through all of that trauma and awfulness to be able to live the life I have now, I would say "Bring it on!" And I need to remind myself of that every day when I feel down. I have what I have now because I survived and it is 100% worth it!

8. "You can live through something that rocks your world off its axis. You can survive losing a piece of your heart without losing the core of who you are. More than merely surviving the loss, you can thrive. You can do it because it's what you deserve."

I do deserve to thrive. I do deserve this wonderful life I have. I am a survivor and if I can survive all of that, the rest is a piece of cake. I know that I have seen and been through the absolute worst and letting fear get in my way is a waste of time.


I know that I over share and I constantly put myself out there. But I do it because when I read things that make me say me too, it makes me feel so much better. It makes me feel less alone. That's why I write and share, the good AND the bad. Because if one person reads something I have shared and it makes them feel less alone, then I have done what I came here to do. To share love, to share life, to be a part of something bigger than myself.

Being successful in life has a lot to do with waking up and showing up. Asking for help. Being able to fail over and over and over and over again. It's about fighting for yourself every single day. I am worth fighting for. Some days will suck and some days will be so amazingly wonderful but that's what life is all about.  I refuse to give up myself. You shouldn't give up on yourself either.

Helping Others Grieve

It's a funny thing, grief. Some days it leaves you alone completely and some days it decides to wrap itself around your face like an octopus and you just can't seem to shake it.

I had conversations last week with four different women, all of whom had lost a parent recently. Another family member of mine just recently experienced a loss so unimaginable and painful that it got me thinking about grief and what we can do to show up for those in our lives that are experiencing a loss.   

We all will experience grief sometime or another in our lives. Some people are lucky enough to go through most of their lives without experiencing a traumatic loss. Some of us will experience losses so difficult that we can hardly breathe.

Everyone deals with grief differently. Some want to talk about it, acknowledge it, sit with it for a while and others want to ignore it completely and run. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Just like there is no right or wrong way to express your sympathy to those who are suffering.

The biggest thing that I learned dealing with my own grief is that it's ok to be sad and mad and throw a tantrum. You don't have to be strong all of the time. It's okay to fall apart every once in a while. That's what friends and family are for...to help you pick up the shattered pieces and survive. What helped me the most was just knowing that I was loved and supported. That there were people in my corner who were there, should I need them or not.

So, what can we do to help?!

Let those you love know that it's okay. It's okay to just be. It's okay if all they did today was wake up. That's where you come in. To stand with them and walk with them. To be a hand holder, or a shoulder. To just be present and share your love. Some people might not want that, they might push you away and it's up to you to be okay with that. The griever has experienced something so hurtful that they don't have time to worry about how you are feeling. But, it is your job as someone who loves them is to just stand steady and be strong for them, when they can't be for themselves.

Be honest and stick to the truth. It hurts. It sucks. It's awful. I'm sorry. I'm here for you. I love you.

I love you.

That's the most important one.

Show up. Say something. Do something, even if you're not exactly sure what to do. Be willing to walk through this with them, no matter how awful it may feel for you...it's worse for them. Be okay with not having all the answers. Listen. Listen some more. Be present. Be a friend. Be love.

Because after all, love is the thing that outlasts it all. Love is the thing that can reach into the darkness and show us the light.  Love  makes the world a better place and if you are able to share your love with someone who needs it...then you have given them the most precious of all gifts.

Mirror, Mirror

It's so easy to look in the mirror and blame our bodies for not being what we want them to be. Too skinny, too fat, too short, too tall, too wrinkly, too whatever it may be. I am guilty of this almost everyday. Why can't I be more like this or more like that?

Ugh, what a waste of energy and time. Life is WAY too short to use up our precious time wishing our lives away.

I hate my hands. They are ugly and misshapen and they remind me of a time when I was really sick and struggling to just survive each day. I am embarrassed by them. They make it hard to do certain yoga poses because they are short and they are often painful. I waste so much energy being angry about them and trying to hide them. It's something that I have no control over and cannot change, no matter how much time I spend wishing they were different.

We all have things that we want to change about ourselves. But what if we decided instead to embrace the skin we are in? To celebrate our strengths and honor what our bodies have done and continue to do for us? To take some time to appreciate the things that we do like about ourselves rather than focusing on the things that we don't.

Gratitude can change the way we see things. And the more gratitude we can extend to our own selves, the way we see and love ourselves drastically changes.

So here goes...

I appreciate my hands for allowing me to be able to hold my husbands hand, to be able to write and draw, for the giving me the ability to cook, to stroke Goldies fur...my hands do so much of me every single day. Instead of hating them, I am embracing them.

I love my arms because they allow me to wrap my family and friends tight in a nice BIG hug. They hold me steady when I am in plank, although they shake and beg me for mercy. They are strong and allow me to carry way too many grocery bags into the house (because who wants to make more than one trip?!)

I am grateful for my strong legs that are able to carry and support me from one yoga pose to the next. They supported me when I ran a half marathon, they kicked and swam in the ocean when we lived at the beach for a year. They allow me to take a walk with my husband every morning and they hold me up (or at least try to) on late nights dancing with friends.

I appreciate the way my eyes twinkle when I laugh really hard.

I appreciate my loud, goofy, sometimes embarrassing laugh.

I like my smile because when I smile, others smile too. It also reminds me a little of my Mums smile and boy could she light up a room with her smile!

I am grateful for my soft round tummy because who needs a 6 pack anyway. Goldie thinks it's an excellent resting place for her head when snuggling on the couch and without it I wouldn't have a place for all my favorite chocolate to go.

The thing I am most grateful about myself for though, is my heart. I know it's not something that's visible on the outside of my body but that's what makes it even more special. My heart beats strong. It beats strong to keep me alive but it also beats strong with love.

Because that's what I am good at it. Love. And in the end, none of the other things will matter. I won't care what my outside look like. I won't care about my wobbly bits or my scarred bits. I will care about the love I gave and received. The lives I touched, even just a tiny bit, with my heart.

So, today, when you take a look at yourself in the mirror and you are prepared to sling some insults your own way, think again. Take a moment to appreciate and be grateful for the body you're in. The body that allows you to live, think, dream and love. The one and only body we get, for our very short time here.

Listen To Your Heart

Gosh, life sure can throw us a few curve balls can't it?!

I am an open book. I overshare and most people know everything about me. I like to think that's what people like about me, my openness and honesty, my authenticity. Because after all, if we aren't real, then what's the point?

All I can ever be is honest and true to myself. Often times, that leads us down paths we never expected. Just like making our way back "home" to Texas, which was an unexpected path for sure, our paths are constantly changing and evolving and just because you choose to walk one way, doesn't mean you aren't allowed to turn around and walk a different way instead.  

I thought that yoga teacher training was my dharma, my path. It was what I was supposed to do because I love yoga and all of the gifts it has given me. I love yoga, no one can dispute that fact. Yoga saved my life once and I am forever grateful for it. I need yoga in my life. I need to practice daily and connect with myself on a spiritual level for my own sanity. We all know that I am my own worst enemy.  I excel at taking care of others, but myself...not so much. It's exhausting and frustrating to constantly be at war with yourself. I thought that teaching yoga was the answer. But after much agonizing and anxiety and tears and tantrums, I have realized that just because I love to practice yoga does not mean that I will love teaching yoga. 

The anxiety is overwhelming. It cripples me from within and manifests itself outwardly. The tears come in waves but when they come, they’re like a flood. Uncontrollable and vicious. I feel sick to my stomach. My head hurts. I'm having trouble breathing steadily. I am having panic attacks more frequently. My skin is breaking out and has a mind of it’s own. My weight is skyrocketing because I turn to food when I am unhappy or uncomfortable. Things that I used to take pleasure in are now just a chore.  

My own yoga practice is suffering. The anxiety has taken the joy and the fun out of it for me to the point where I don’t even want to go to class. Anything that causes me to take a step back from my own practice is never a good thing.  I know nothing worth having ever came easy but when my own well being is at stake, I have to stop and take notice of what my soul is telling me. I am a true believer that if something stops making you happy, then you need to stop doing it!

Do I want to teach? That’s really what it all comes down to, isn’t it? Do I want to teach yoga to others?

I loved doing the 60 Hour Immersion and having the opportunity to delve deeper in my own practice and focus on the history and philosophy of yoga. But if I am honest with myself, I knew from the beginning that IF I did decide to teach (because it's always been an IF) I wouldn't want to teach yoga in a traditional setting. 

I know that ultimately I want to help and inspire others. From someone who has been through hell and back and came out the other side, mostly intact, I want to help others realize their potential and to thrive. But in order to help others I have to help myself first. I have to get my own shit together. I have to put on my own oxygen mask before I help my fellow passengers. I need to work on, once and for all, stopping the noise and nonsense in my head. I am done being a victim of my past and being trapped within this emotional roller coaster. 

A constant theme within me is that I have to find my "thing". The thing that gives my life purpose. The thing that shows me I am worthy of being here. I always feel like I need to prove to the world that I belong here. I'm not a mother, I don't have a fancy important job somewhere. I help my husband run his business, I take care of our house, my husband, and our dog and I give myself to others...all of which I love doing.

Sometimes we listen to others thoughts about what we should do and where we should go instead of trusting in our guts and our own hearts. I know that everyone has fears. Fears of trying new things, fears of change. I also know that even if I do complete the training program I am not obligated to teach. But I am constantly striving to find my my own purpose and I often feel like if I don’t pick yoga, then I have nothing. But I am so much more than any one thing. One of my dearest friends said to me, your “thing” is emotions. You create feelings within people and that is what people will remember in the end. 

My heart is my gift to the world. When will I learn, that it is more than good enough? I don’t have to be anything other than who I am. I just need to be myself and be content with that.

I am not sure where my path will lead me at this exact moment but I am sure in my heart that teaching yoga in any traditional sense is not that path. I have taken on this task twice now and each time I have come to the same conclusion. I think that it's time that I take notice of these feelings and follow them.

And that beautiful, sacred yoga space I created for myself. It will still be just that. A beautiful, sacred yoga space for myself or for anyone who wants to join me. I am not giving up yoga. If anything I am giving myself over to yoga even more. I am making more time for my own practice, more time for my own inner peace and happiness. I am making more time to actually put a plan into action to make myself feel better. It's time to listen to my own truth, my own heart and follow it and trust in it's wisdom. To just be me. A woman who is worthy.

A Year at the Beach

The last few weeks have been a bit rough around here. Getting ready to move and everything that comes with it is stressful enough but we have had some hiccups that have made this time around (it's only our 10th move in 12 years) a bit harder than usual. Thankfully today, it has all been ironed out and in 10 days we will be Texas bound.

So, as our year at the beach is coming to a close, we have spent some time reflecting on what a wonderful adventure it's been. We are both so grateful to live a lifestyle where we have been able to experience so many wonderful things together. Life is short and unpredictable but the heart of life is good and man, has it been fun!

Here are some of my favorite things about this past year we have spent living it up on the beach:


*Watching two bald eagles build their nest on the cell tower across the street from our house. Then watching their babies grow, test out their wings, learn how to fly and leave the nest.

*Watching a mourning dove build her stick nest in our garage, laying two eggs, hatching them, and watching the babies grow.

*Walks along the beach, hunting for shells and other treasures.

*Amassing a collection of shells so big it caused me to use 3 rolls of packing paper to wrap them up for the move

*Snorkeling in the ocean and watching a sweet little seahorse bobbing around attached to a piece of seaweed.

*Snorkeling out to a sandbar 50 yards in the ocean and being surrounded by dozens of starfish

*Taking a ride on Loop Road, a 25 mile long dirt road in the Everglades, and observing hundreds of alligators in their natural habitat, less than 30 feet away from us.

* Visting Weeki Wachee Springs State Park, watching the famous Mermaid show and seeing a mama manatee and her baby up close in the Springs.

*Going with friends to Crystal River and Three Sisters Springs to snorkel with the manatees. Rubbing a manatees back and having him roll over so I could scratch.

*Swimming in the ocean while manatees passed right by, close enough to touch.

*Countless dolphin sightings

*Going to see the Christmas Lights at the Tampa Bay Zoo

*Walking down the beach to the beach cafe to have Thanksgiving Day dinner in the sand.

*Spending Christmas on the beach with my family

*Finding a Great White Shark fossilized tooth during one of my shell hunts

*A Motorcyle ride along the coast and catching an amazing sunrise

*Watching the sunset from the beach or our deck

*Hearing great live music from the bar across the street while relaxing on our deck

*Stand up paddle boarding

*Kayaking

*Hiking Robinsons Preserve

*Seeing Roseate Spoonbills, Wood Storks and Sandhill Cranes

*Seeing Bon Jovi and Stevie Knicks in concert

*Going to see a preseason baseball game for the Pittsburgh Pirates

*Dressing up as a Mermaid and a Pirate and coming in second in a costume contest

*Riding my bike to get groceries

*Getting the BEST sandwiches from a great local deli

*Ordering sandwiches from a different great local deli and having them delivered to us right on the beach

*Amazing visits and adventures with our friends and family who came to visit

*Seeing stingrays

*Experiencing a Hurricane and floating in the street on my blow up raft in my swimsuit

*Saturday morning walks to the City Pier and stopping for breakfast along the way

*Mini-golf (which I NEVER won)

*Getting to see Snooty the oldest living manatee

*Doing a 5k on Siesta Key for sea turtle conservationan

*Doing a 5K Thanksgiving Day Turkey Trot over the John Ringling Bridge in Sarasota

*Being surrounded by Monk Parakeets and feeling like you live in a Tarzan movie

*Going to the local fish markets where the fisherman unload their catch right off the boat

*Learning how to grill different types of fish

*Double rainbows

*Key Lime Coconut Cake from Hometown Desserts, a local island bakery

*Tuna sandwiches from our favorite little dive/bait shop, New Pass Grille

As I write this list, I am sure there are so many things that I am missing. Suffice it to say that we have had one hell of a ride this year. Here's to many more adventures to come in Texas...or wherever the Gypsy Caravan may roam :)

Disconnect to reconnect

I love Facebook! Everyone who knows me knows that I love to post and that I love to see other people posts. It's a fun way to interact with others and especially since my friends and family are spread out all over the world, it's an easy and fun way to keep in touch with everyone.

The problem is, it's a time suck...especially for me since I work at home. It's accessible all the time, on my laptop, on my phone and on my iPad. It's always there lurking in the background saying "Becky, look at me. Scroll through. Give a thumbs up. Like me!" It can also be full of so much negativity...more than ever for some reason and often times I let it affect me and bring me down.

It's been a stressful week around here, continuing to try and get things in order for our move. Some things are not going the way I want them to and some things have thrown me for a complete loop, like my stupid haircut, but I digress...

I decided to take some time away from Facebook this weekend cold turkey to try and refocus and refresh.  To be honest, I am kind of sad about it. I miss seeing my friends and what they are up to and I miss sharing with y'all as well. But taking this time away, even though it was a short period of time, has taught me a couple of things that I am going to implement going forward.

First, I spend WAY too much time scrolling through and posting on Facebook. I need to make designated times of my day for FB instead of mindlessly checking it. And that's what it is...completely mindless, a force of habit. I don't need to check it. My life will not end if I don't check it. I won't miss any life changing news. It has shown me that I need to be more present in my own life and that Facebook is something fun and entertaining to do when I have a spare minute. Not when I am enjoying a nice leisurely drive with my husband or out to eat with friends. I need to focus on what is actually happening in my life at any given moment and give my whole self to that moment. I don't want to miss out on things because I wasn't really paying attention and I was too busy documenting it for FB. Let's be honest, a lot of us do this. Our noses are buried in our phones way too much. That's just how life is now. We are expected to be accessible to everyone 24-7. Again, don't get me wrong, I love Facebook. I love sharing photos. I like the idea of being able to be connected to friends, family and the community. I just need to find a more balanced way to do it.

Secondly, by keeping my distance this weekend it made me reevaluate what I want to see on FB. I want to read positive stuff, funny stuff, happy stuff. I don't want to read about people correcting others grammar or people forcing their opinions and viewpoints on others. The beauty of Facebook is that you should be able to post what you want because it's your page but you should also be able to hide, unfriend, unfollow people whose viewpoints or negativity you don't want to see without it seeming like the sky is falling! More importantly, it made me rethink WHO I want seeing what I post on my page. The person that I have no idea who they are and have never met but are friends with people I do know? I don't need to feel obligated to accept their friend request. The person that all I have in common with or know about them is that we went to the same high school? Again, I shouldn't feel like I have to welcome you into my world. That may sound to some people like I am being curmudgeonly. I'm really not trying to be, but I want to surround myself and connect with the people I really care about. People who share my same values. People who bring light, laughter and love into my life. If I allow everybody to be my friend then I spend so much time scrolling through the bullshit I don't really care about and I miss the stuff from my friends that I really want to see. Besides, it's my personal life and not everyone is invited to see everything I share. So, I unfriended some people...and it really hurt my heart to do it because I don't like to hurt peoples feelings but if I don't know you, if we have never met, if we are not currently part of one another lives, then I am really really sorry, but you had to go. I don't like unfriending people so much that a good friend of mine recently had a dream where I faked my own death so I could start over with a new FB page instead of unfriending people and hurting their feelings! HA!

Third, I don't need Facebook for validation. My self esteem is crap, it's something I struggle with and work to overcome every single day. But I cannot rely on other people to fix it for me. I have got to learn to love and accept myself for exactly who I am. My heart and who I am on the inside needs to be the focus of my self worth. My husband thinks I am beautiful, that's the only opinion that matters. And again, he thinks I am beautiful because of who I am as a human being, not what I look like. I am my own worst critic and you would think that after 12+ years of working on self love that I wouldn't struggle anymore...but I do, everyday...and I will beat this demon. Key word being I...I will beat this demon though and it won't be because someone liked my photo on Facebook. (Although I do like when people like my photos lol, be honest, we all do!)

So my friends, back to Facebook I go but in a more mindful manner.  I want to read more books, do more yoga, take more walks with my husband, laugh with my sister, and just be present in my daily life. It's fun to see and share in others lives online but it's way more fun to share in each others lives in person!

Packing

You'd think that we would be pros at this by now. I mean we HAVE moved 10 times in the last 12 years. Each time though, it seems, gets harder and harder.

Every time we move, we condense, we declutter, we sell stuff, we donate. How is it then, that every time I get ready to start the process again, it seems as if we have amassed more shit than we came with?!

When we rented this beach house it came fully furnished and decorated. It used to be a vacation rental and part of the deal of allowing us to rent it annually was that it stayed fully furnished (and decorated), because the homeowners didn't want to have to pay to store their belongings. When we met with our landlords before we moved in, I asked them if they would be okay with us redecorating...putting our own touches on things and they said absolutely. I am just not sure when they said yes, they realized that I was going to COMPLETELY take down the house. From the wall hangings, to the kitchen pots, pans and plates, to the towels to the bedding, to every little thing in between.

If you have visited us here, you know I take pride in telling you where I have hid away and stored all of the homeowners things. Under every single bed, behind the TV, at the top of every closet where I can't reach, in unused drawers...pretty much if there's a nook or a cranny, I have stuffed something in there.

Which brings me to my dilemma now...putting it all back together! EEK!

Unfortunately, I wasn't smart enough to take photos of how she had it decorated. I have a few photos from the rental listing but that's it. I have a rough idea in my mind of where things went but it's mostly going to be a, I am putting this here and I hope that you are okay with that, kind of thing.
So, I have to pack away all of our nice things and figure out how to put the house back together the way it was.

It's going to be strange living in the house for the next 4 weeks as I pack and transition it back. It will no longer feel like our home, but truly, what it is, a rental home. I thought I would be okay with living in someone else's home with someone else things but it's been a bit weird to be honest. Not having any of our own furniture, save for a few small bits and pieces, has been like being back in college.

I cannot wait to move into our new home and begin picking out pieces that make it feel like ours. I cannot wait to decorate it and put back out all of our personal things that make my heart smile.

As I pack away our personal photos and mementos, I will remember fondly the year we have spent at the beach. It has certainly been an adventure. But I am ready...ready to settle down with my husband in a place that we can call all our very own!

Now if I can just remember where I put that packing tape?!