There is a recurring theme in my life that plays itself out over and over again.
I feel inadequate.
I search for a "thing" to do to make myself feel worthy.
I start said thing.
My anxiety kicks in and overwhelms me to the point that it's hard to function.
I quit said thing.
I feel relieved for a moment.
I feel inadequate.
I search for a "thing"to do to make myself feel worthy...
Over and over and over again. It's exhausting!
I go through these waves or cycles. I feel great for a while and then once I start to feel comfortable with myself, I start to self sabotage. Something in my by brain kicks in and says "Whoa, hold up there missy...you aren't good enough so don't go convincing yourself otherwise"
Some days I can shut that voice up and some days I can't and it totally consumes me.
I put on a brave face. I post positive messages on Facebook. I work and I work and I work to try and push myself through to the other side.
I have this AMAZING life! I am surrounded by people who love me and support me but instead of focusing on those awesome, wonderful people, I tend to focus on my shortcomings. All of the things that I am "supposed" to be doing.
I am "supposed" to:
Be a mother
Have a traditional job
Be a certain size/weight
Have a certain hair length/color
Be a perfect yogi
Be a perfect wife, sister, auntie, daughter, and friend
I put so much pressure on myself to be the way I think that I am "supposed" to be, that I miss out on actually just being me.
It's exhausting. It's a waste of time.
I know this deep in my heart but my head...boy does my head have other ideas.
I carry a lot of anxiety and guilt over things that are irrelevant.
If I don't practice yoga in a studio 5 times a week, am I really a yogi?
If I don't have a traditional job like everyone else, am I worthless?
If I am not super skinny and don't have long hair like all the images I see in the media, am I even a real woman?
If I don't make everyone in my life happy at all times, am I a failure?
As I type these words I know how stupid they sound. If any one of my friends said these things to me about themselves, I would tell them that they are out of their mind.
Who makes the rules?! Who says there is one right way to do or be?!
We get to decide the rules for ourselves. We get to decide how we live our lives. But it is so damn hard to put the into practice.
I just finished reading "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis. Now I didn't agree with everything she had to say in her book (and I don't have to) but there are multiple things that she did say in her book that completely resonated with me. Like, when I was reading them, I had a "Whoa" moment.
1. "Your life is supposed to be a journey from one unique place to another; it's not supposed to be a merry-go-round that brings you back to the same spot over and over again"
Well damn. This is exactly what I do to myself. I keep circling around to the place where I feel crappy over and over again.
2. "You'll try out some different tool and techniques, and while some of them will feel okay, maybe one will like the answer and then thirty-seven different others will feel like garbage"
I often beat myself up for trying things that don't work out. I feel like I have failed if I don't complete certain things. But not everything will be for me and that's okay. The key is that I keep trying new things. I keep exploring. If I don't find the right fit for me, that's not the end of the world. I just pick myself up and keep moving forward.
3. "Life is not supposed to overwhelm you at all times. Life isn't meant to be merely survived-it's meant to be lived."
YES! THIS! Sometimes I get so caught up in my anxiety that I miss out on all the good stuff.
4. "You must choose to be happy, grateful, and fulfilled. If you make that choice every single day, regardless of where you are or what what's happening, you will happy."
I have this AMAZING life and so many things to be grateful for. I have to make a conscious choice to focus on all that awesomeness. Turning my attention to the good will help me forget about the bad.
Practicing gratitude is so important.
5. "Comparison is the death of joy and the only person you need to be better than is the one you were yesterday"
I constantly compare myself to others when I should be making sure that each day I am the BEST version of myself that I can be. No one else is me, and that is my gift.
6. "Someone else opinion of you is none of your business."
Such powerful words for someone who tends to hold others opinions above my own. What others think of me is their problem. What I think of who I am is what matters the most and most days I am pretty awesome :) I don't have to make people like me or make them understand why I do the things that I do.
7. "If you don't look for the good that came out of what you've lived through, it's all wasted. Because what's the alternative? We live through something crappy, and that's it? We're done for? We allow all he hard, ugliest parts of our lives to color everything else?"
NO NO NO! I refuse to let the ugly color my life! The beauty that came out of my abusive marriage was that I met Mike. If I hadn't have gone through that, I wouldn't have been where I was when I met him. I wouldn't have been open to a relationship with an older man. I wouldn't have appreciated what a true partnership was. I found love in a completely unexpected place because of what I went through. Honestly, if someone had told me that I would have to go through all of that trauma and awfulness to be able to live the life I have now, I would say "Bring it on!" And I need to remind myself of that every day when I feel down. I have what I have now because I survived and it is 100% worth it!
8. "You can live through something that rocks your world off its axis. You can survive losing a piece of your heart without losing the core of who you are. More than merely surviving the loss, you can thrive. You can do it because it's what you deserve."
I do deserve to thrive. I do deserve this wonderful life I have. I am a survivor and if I can survive all of that, the rest is a piece of cake. I know that I have seen and been through the absolute worst and letting fear get in my way is a waste of time.
I know that I over share and I constantly put myself out there. But I do it because when I read things that make me say me too, it makes me feel so much better. It makes me feel less alone. That's why I write and share, the good AND the bad. Because if one person reads something I have shared and it makes them feel less alone, then I have done what I came here to do. To share love, to share life, to be a part of something bigger than myself.
Being successful in life has a lot to do with waking up and showing up. Asking for help. Being able to fail over and over and over and over again. It's about fighting for yourself every single day. I am worth fighting for. Some days will suck and some days will be so amazingly wonderful but that's what life is all about. I refuse to give up myself. You shouldn't give up on yourself either.
If I am not super skinny and don't have long hair like all the images I see in the media, am I even a real woman?
If I don't make everyone in my life happy at all times, am I a failure?
As I type these words I know how stupid they sound. If any one of my friends said these things to me about themselves, I would tell them that they are out of their mind.
Who makes the rules?! Who says there is one right way to do or be?!
We get to decide the rules for ourselves. We get to decide how we live our lives. But it is so damn hard to put the into practice.
I just finished reading "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis. Now I didn't agree with everything she had to say in her book (and I don't have to) but there are multiple things that she did say in her book that completely resonated with me. Like, when I was reading them, I had a "Whoa" moment.
1. "Your life is supposed to be a journey from one unique place to another; it's not supposed to be a merry-go-round that brings you back to the same spot over and over again"
Well damn. This is exactly what I do to myself. I keep circling around to the place where I feel crappy over and over again.
2. "You'll try out some different tool and techniques, and while some of them will feel okay, maybe one will like the answer and then thirty-seven different others will feel like garbage"
I often beat myself up for trying things that don't work out. I feel like I have failed if I don't complete certain things. But not everything will be for me and that's okay. The key is that I keep trying new things. I keep exploring. If I don't find the right fit for me, that's not the end of the world. I just pick myself up and keep moving forward.
3. "Life is not supposed to overwhelm you at all times. Life isn't meant to be merely survived-it's meant to be lived."
YES! THIS! Sometimes I get so caught up in my anxiety that I miss out on all the good stuff.
4. "You must choose to be happy, grateful, and fulfilled. If you make that choice every single day, regardless of where you are or what what's happening, you will happy."
I have this AMAZING life and so many things to be grateful for. I have to make a conscious choice to focus on all that awesomeness. Turning my attention to the good will help me forget about the bad.
Practicing gratitude is so important.
5. "Comparison is the death of joy and the only person you need to be better than is the one you were yesterday"
I constantly compare myself to others when I should be making sure that each day I am the BEST version of myself that I can be. No one else is me, and that is my gift.
6. "Someone else opinion of you is none of your business."
Such powerful words for someone who tends to hold others opinions above my own. What others think of me is their problem. What I think of who I am is what matters the most and most days I am pretty awesome :) I don't have to make people like me or make them understand why I do the things that I do.
7. "If you don't look for the good that came out of what you've lived through, it's all wasted. Because what's the alternative? We live through something crappy, and that's it? We're done for? We allow all he hard, ugliest parts of our lives to color everything else?"
NO NO NO! I refuse to let the ugly color my life! The beauty that came out of my abusive marriage was that I met Mike. If I hadn't have gone through that, I wouldn't have been where I was when I met him. I wouldn't have been open to a relationship with an older man. I wouldn't have appreciated what a true partnership was. I found love in a completely unexpected place because of what I went through. Honestly, if someone had told me that I would have to go through all of that trauma and awfulness to be able to live the life I have now, I would say "Bring it on!" And I need to remind myself of that every day when I feel down. I have what I have now because I survived and it is 100% worth it!
8. "You can live through something that rocks your world off its axis. You can survive losing a piece of your heart without losing the core of who you are. More than merely surviving the loss, you can thrive. You can do it because it's what you deserve."
I do deserve to thrive. I do deserve this wonderful life I have. I am a survivor and if I can survive all of that, the rest is a piece of cake. I know that I have seen and been through the absolute worst and letting fear get in my way is a waste of time.
I know that I over share and I constantly put myself out there. But I do it because when I read things that make me say me too, it makes me feel so much better. It makes me feel less alone. That's why I write and share, the good AND the bad. Because if one person reads something I have shared and it makes them feel less alone, then I have done what I came here to do. To share love, to share life, to be a part of something bigger than myself.
Being successful in life has a lot to do with waking up and showing up. Asking for help. Being able to fail over and over and over and over again. It's about fighting for yourself every single day. I am worth fighting for. Some days will suck and some days will be so amazingly wonderful but that's what life is all about. I refuse to give up myself. You shouldn't give up on yourself either.
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