Getting back to the mat...

Is there something that you love doing that you just stopped making time for? Too busy?

There will never be enough time to do everything we want to do but if there's something that sets your heart on fire, do it. Make time for it.

For me, that's yoga.

When I re-incarnated this blog last January, my opening post was about shifting my focus away from yoga. At the time, I was going through some pretty heavy emotional stuff and I placed the blame on my yoga practice. I wasn't giving myself what I needed at the time and yoga took the fall. I wasn't ready for teacher training so instead of just admitting that to myself, I shut it out. I rolled up my mat and placed in a corner of the room.

I have slowly come to realize over this last year that by actually shutting out yoga, something that I love and am passionate about, I was hurting myself more. I am still not ready for yoga teacher training. I may never be. But that doesn't mean that I can't practice.

When I am on my mat, everything else falls away. My mind is at peace. My body is strong. Yoga has never been about the physical for me, although, the benefits are wonderful. It has always been a sanctuary. A place where I can go to be alone with my thoughts, alone with myself. Tune into my body and open my heart. Yoga is my therapy. It keeps my crazy at bay! It's where I turned when I was at my darkest and it is what kept me grounded and led me back to the land of the living. When I lay on my mat in Savasana after a practice, I am overcome with a sense of peace, gratitude and love. Keeping myself from that feeling...well that's just plain stupid :)

So, in the last month or two, I have dusted off my mat and I have made a conscious decision to make time for my practice. I need it. I crave it. I am a better person when I am practicing yoga. It calms my soul.

Especially now, when things are off kilter all around us, it's important for us to take time to do what makes us happy.

What sets your soul on fire? What are you pushing into the background of your life that you need to reignite?

Life is full of things that we will never accomplish, don't make something that you love, be one of them.

I am Woman.

I am a woman.

I stand with other women. I support other women. I believe in women.

I believe that a woman has a right to her own body. A right to make her own choices about how she lives her life. A right to be anything she wants to be and to be able to do that thing as equally as a man would be able to.

Some people draw back in disgust at the word feminist. It's not a bad word. It doesn't mean that you hate men. It's a word that holds the belief that women are and should be treated as intellectual and social equals to men. You don't have to be a woman to be a feminist. You just have to believe that all people are entitled to freedom, liberty and basic human rights no matter what gender, sexual orientation, skin color, ethnicity, religion, culture or lifestyle.

I was so inspired yesterday seeing the images and watching videos of all of the marches going on all over the world, in all 7 continents! They weren't just fighting for women...they were fighting for everyone. And those who are up in arms about the marchers being "whiners", well then that just shows how privileged you are. You are lucky enough to not have to worry about the injustices that many people face on a daily basis.

Now, I know that I am a straight, white, middle-class woman who lives a fairly privileged life and who has been given access to many opportunities. I was raised in a two-parent household. I went to college. Life has been easy for me, relatively.

However, as a woman, I have had countless experiences where I have felt uncomfortable, objectified, verbally and physically abused and afraid.

I am not alone in this.

I know that we could all share stories of times where we were made to feel less than, just because we are women .

Seeing these marches around the world full of men, women and children exercising their first amendment rights inspires me. People just want their voices to be heard. For someone to say, I hear you, I understand how you feel, let me help make this better for you.

Well I hear you. I understand. I want to help. It makes me want to be a better human. It makes me want to step up and stand together with others and fight for what we believe in. To fight for what is fair and right. As human beings, we should ALL be fighting, marching, raising our voices in solidarity and support of all people.

I think Eleanor Roosevelt said it best when she said, "Well behaved women, rarely make history"

So yes, I am a feminist.

I believe in women rights because I believe in human rights.

Be Brave

Today is a scary day for many. It should be a day that we celebrate our country and be proud of who we elected as our leader. For me, and for most of the people I surround myself with, it is not that kind of day. It's a day that is filled with dread and fear. It is a day that feels like a bad dream that we are all hoping to wake up from. Only, it's not just a dream...it's reality and it's pretty fucking scary.

As a woman and an immigrant, but most importantly as a human being, I am in disbelief. How did we get here? Why are we here? How can we fix this and move forward stronger and wiser?

For all of the people who have come before us to fight for our rights, for all of the people who have stood up to injustice, intolerance and hate... I am sorry that we have taken what you have fought so hard for and taken a million steps backwards.

To anyone, today and any day, that are living in fear because you are "different"... different race, different religion, different sexual preference, different ability, different whatever it may be, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are others in this world who see this hate and who will stand together with you. I am one of those people.

And it's not just us as individuals that are being threatened. It's our schools and educational system. It's our environment. It's our forward progress in science. The list, sadly, is endless. Every day I read something and I just shake my head. Is this really happening? Do these people really honestly believe all the bullshit they tell themselves? Do facts even matter anymore?

If they can make up stuff and put it out into the world, then I can say what I want too. Except, the difference between us, is that the message I will spread is one of hope, love, truth, and equality. I won't stop trying to spread that light.

There are so many unanswered questions about where we are headed from here and although it's scary, I have to hold onto hope. Hope that as a nation, we will see the error of our ways and fight even harder for equality for all. I have to have hope because without hope, there is nothing.

Get involved. Volunteer. Protest (peacefully). Open your heart to others who need it. Share your love with those who are hurting or are afraid. We have to be the change that we want to see. We have to take this fear and turn it into something good and powerful. We have the power, it's up to us to use it. Be brave. Have courage.

No one gets to tell you that it's not okay to be upset. As the ever wise Bob Marley said "Get up, stand up, stand up for your right"

Hate, ignorance and intolerance have no place here.

Self Compassion

Today I was in Target and I overheard two young women in the dressing room. They were showing each other the outfits they were trying on and one of the women kept going on and on about how cute her friend looked but how horrible she looked.

We all do this. Well, at least, I think we all do this ;) especially women. We can easily see the best in our friends but we are so quick to zone in on all the things we don't like about ourselves.

Perfection.

It's an impossible dream to chase.

Nobody is perfect. Even the people we love. When they fall down, you pick them back up. When you see a friend struggling, you speak words of love and compassion.  You need to give yourself the same permission to be imperfect...just like every other human being on earth.

It's hard to keep a balanced and open mind when thinking about yourself. You need to be able to think kind, encouraging thoughts about yourself when things are great but, also, especially when they aren't. Successes and failures all have something to teach us. Instead of beating ourselves up or having negative self talk, we need to reframe our thoughts. Think to yourself, "Would I say this to my best friend? Would I speak these hurtful words to someone I love?" I am pretty sure the answer will be a resounding NO.  So, stop doing it! Be a friend to yourself.

I have a sweatshirt that says Be Present. I love it because it reminds me to try and focus where I am on my journey. We've all heard that saying, Life is a journey, not a destination. Often times we get too caught up in how we wish things were, the what ifs, instead of appreciating how things really are.

Love yourself now. That's the beautiful part. Enjoying our lives, loving ourselves and accepting exactly how we are at the present moment.

Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Surround yourself with loving thoughts. You are just as worthy as everyone else.

It's time you started seeing yourself through eyes of love <3

Secrets

Food has always been a big part of my life. I'm sure it has for most of us. Food is comforting. It's a memory.  Big Sunday family dinners, or tea and biscuits with my sister. It seems that almost every gathering revolves around eating in some way.

I am a food addict.

It controls my every move.

I spend most days thinking about what I am going to eat, worrying about the foods I can't or shouldn't eat. It rules my mood. It's a struggle everyday.

In the midst of my troubling past marriage, I used food as a coping mechanism. It was just about the only thing I had control over at the time. He had control of the money. I had ZERO access to it. I wasn't allowed to carry a checkbook or have a debit card. Anything I purchased had to be approved by him.  I couldn't go out with friends or my family unless he allowed me to do so. He controlled how I wore my hair (it was NEVER allowed to be short). He made very single decision for me. I wasn't allowed an opinion or a choice.  I had to do it his way, or there were consequences to pay.

But I could control what I put in my mouth when he wasn't around. I became a secret eater. It didn't matter if I was hungry or not, a lot of times, I ate just to spite him. It was my little secret. I was disobeying him and he didn't even know it. As my weight ballooned, he made sure that every single second of every day, I knew how fat and ugly I was. But the joke was on him.  I didn't want him to touch me and if he considered me fat and ugly, then that kept him at a distance.

Eventually he gave me a gas credit card because we lived in Minnesota. I was driving 19 miles to and from work everyday in some pretty bad winters and I begged him to allow me access to money in case I ran out of gas. He relented and then I began buying food secretly at the gas station. I would fill up the tank just enough and then use a little bit of extra money to buy food. Candy bars, chips, soda, all of the disgusting crap I could get my hands on. I would eat alone in my car and quickly dispose of all the evidence before arriving home, complete with wiping my hands with wet wipes and chewing gum to disguise any trace of food. I would hoard coins if I found them so I had my own tiny stash of cash. If he sent me on an errand or to pick up food for dinner, I would always order something extra he didn't know about and eat it before I got home. I would binge on as much food as my stomach could handle and hide the evidence. Again, it was my secret. I had control. I was getting back at him in my own little way.

I have discussed this before, I know, I could have left. It's not that easy and doesn't usually work that way. He beat me down so bad that I believed all of the horrible things he said and I believed no one else would ever love me or take care of me and I knew if I tried to leave he would kill me...so I stayed and I ate my feelings.

I ate every single emotion. Fear. Heartache. Pain. It was my only solace in a house where I had no voice.

Over the years since, I have struggled with getting myself out of that habit, of using food to cope. When I am sad, or angry or something fills me with anxiety, all I want to do is eat. Sometimes, I succeed at getting past these emotions but sometimes I don't. When I want food to quell an emotion, I begin to feel exactly like a drug addict. I NEED the food. I have to have it. I get anxious about not getting it. If I don't get it, I am a mess.

I still occasionally found myself sitting in my car in a grocery store parking lot after shopping with a bag of donuts in my hands shoveling them into my mouth. For a moment as I eat, I feel relief. Whatever is hurting momentarily subsides. But then, the worst part comes. The guilt. The shame. What am I doing?!? And the vicious cycle starts. Well I fucked up now, so I might as well keep going! Leading me into a downward spiral of unhealthy eating and feeding my emotions with food instead of confronting them. If any of you do this, you know exactly what I am talking about! You eat, you feel bad, you get angry at yourself, you eat more to feel better. You eat, you feel bad, you get angry at yourself, you eat more to feel better. It can become a bottomless pit!

In all honesty, I have a great life! I am now married to the most amazing, caring, generous, considerate man. I have an amazing family and awesome friends. My tribe of people whom I love is truly great. I live on an island for goodness sake!

That doesn't instantly mean you are happy. Old habits are hard to break. Old feelings of inadequacy don't shake off as easy as you'd like them too. Self loathing, sadness or anger creeps it's way in and if I let it, it can overtake me sometimes. Just like it's easy to believe all of the horrible things about yourself someone tells you, it's hard to believe all of the good things about yourself you believe or others believe about you.

I recently joined Weightwatchers and while it's purpose is to help you lose weight, which I would like to do, it's also helping me confront my food issues and learn how to have a healthy relationship with food. Food isn't the enemy but it's also not a substitute for dealing with your feelings and emotions. I can eat foods I enjoy and not attach shame to them. If I want a piece of chocolate, I am going to have one. I don't have to eat it in secret. If I am feeling upset and want to reach for food and binge to make myself feel better, there are a myriad of things I can do instead. Go for a walk. Journal. Blog. Talk with a friend. Cuddle my dog.

I thought that I was in control when I was binging when in reality the food was in control...my emotions were in control. I wasn't in control at all. I was completely off the rails. But, now I AM beginning to take back control! I am in charge of my own life. I can do hard things and face tough emotions without stuffing them back down inside with food. .

Admitting some of these truths are hard for me. And I was way more of a secret eater and binger than I even let on here to you now. Life is hard...for everyone. We all struggle with something. Nobody is perfect, nor should we aim to be. We are humans. We are flawed.

And that my friends, is my whole purpose of this blog! To empower and inspire not only others but myself. To acknowledge and express the issue as a way to address the issue. We could all use a little encouragement, even if it has to come from ourselves.

And, if you need a little help or encouragement I am here to give that to you too!

365 New Days

It's a new year.
Today is page1.
It's a blank slate.
Anything can happen.
What will you do with the next 365 new chances you are given?

I usually start off every year thinking about all of the things that didn't go the way I planned and how I am going to fix that in the upcoming year ahead. I didn't lose the weight I wanted. I didn't spend enough time taking care of myself. I wasn't as good of a wife/friend/sister/daughter that I could have been. The list, if I let it be, could be endless.

This year, I decided to try something different. Instead of focusing on all the things that I didn't accomplish, I am going to reflect and focus on all of the beautiful, amazing things that did happen. Take stock of my blessings and focus on all that I have to be grateful for. I will move into this new year with a grateful heart.  I am going to start a gratitude journal and fill it with all the good things that happen along the way. At the end of 2017, I will have a journal to look back on and see all of the awesome stuff that happened.

As I sit here, looking at the last glow from the Christmas tree, watching my sweet husband cuddling on the couch with our dog, my heart is full. Life is good. It's not always easy. Life is messy and hard and complicated but it's also beautiful and full of so much love if you just take a breathe and take a moment to soak it all in. It doesn't always have to be big grand things that make life amazing. Honestly, it's all the little things, everyday things that make life wonderful.

Things for me, like:

Family

Friends

Health

Home

Dogs

Sunrises and sunsets

Chocolate

Cups of tea

Shells

Ocean waves

Laughter

Hugs

Books

Long walks

Adventures

Music

Being creative

Singing

Kisses

Memories

Flowers

Good hair days

Kindness

Happy tears

Traditions

Yoga

Love

That doesn't mean that you have to be content to stay where you are. Dream big. Go out into the world and make a change. Do new things. Challenge yourself. Be brave. Love what you see in the mirror. Appreciate yourself. Take adventures. Volunteer. Have fun. Spread love and kindness everywhere you go. And live each day with a grateful heart.

May your new year be filled with magic, dreams, joy, peace, love and laughter.

Happy New Year!

Happy Holidays

The holidays can be a tough time of year for many. Either you're missing someone and wishing they were with you or you are surrounded by people and just wish some of them would go away ;) There are so many expectations around this time of year. Holiday gifts to buy, cookies to bake, parties to attend. The list can sometimes be endless. It's easy for our heads and our wallets to get overwhelmed and for the season to go by like a blur.

All too often, we forget what this season is supposed to be about.
Love.
Plain and simple.

As the mean old Grinch once thought, "What if Christmas doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?"

Whether you are religious or not, celebrating Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, or just waiting for Santa to arrive, the basis of everything is love.

A season of hope, love, and togetherness. A time to celebrate what really brings joy to our hearts...each other.

This holiday season I plan to take a deep breathe and take in all of the things I have to be grateful for. Spread love everywhere I go. Lend someone a smile. Give extra hugs. Offer a little bit of myself and my heart to those around me.

After all, material things fade.

But love....
Love endures. Love heals. Love conquers.

Wishing you all a very happy holiday season, whatever you celebrate and even if you don't celebrate anything at all. I wish for you peace, joy and happiness. I wish for your hearts to be full this season.

But most of all....I wish you love.