Happy Holidays

The holidays can be a tough time of year for many. Either you're missing someone and wishing they were with you or you are surrounded by people and just wish some of them would go away ;) There are so many expectations around this time of year. Holiday gifts to buy, cookies to bake, parties to attend. The list can sometimes be endless. It's easy for our heads and our wallets to get overwhelmed and for the season to go by like a blur.

All too often, we forget what this season is supposed to be about.
Love.
Plain and simple.

As the mean old Grinch once thought, "What if Christmas doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?"

Whether you are religious or not, celebrating Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, or just waiting for Santa to arrive, the basis of everything is love.

A season of hope, love, and togetherness. A time to celebrate what really brings joy to our hearts...each other.

This holiday season I plan to take a deep breathe and take in all of the things I have to be grateful for. Spread love everywhere I go. Lend someone a smile. Give extra hugs. Offer a little bit of myself and my heart to those around me.

After all, material things fade.

But love....
Love endures. Love heals. Love conquers.

Wishing you all a very happy holiday season, whatever you celebrate and even if you don't celebrate anything at all. I wish for you peace, joy and happiness. I wish for your hearts to be full this season.

But most of all....I wish you love.

Be the Change.

I have rewritten this post over and over again. I don't really know what to say anymore so I will just say this...

Shine your light.
Share kindness.
Have an open heart.
Speak words of love.
Embrace and celebrate one another.
Show compassion.
Be the change.
SPREAD LOVE.

Happy Halloween

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I LOVE dressing up! It allows my creativity to flow and I tend to get a little overexcited about putting my costume together. I wish it were acceptable to wear costumes on a regular basis...getting to be someone else, other than yourself for a brief period of time is pretty fun!

My hubby and I started dressing up together about 9 years ago. I usually want us to have a matching theme but he usually wants to be a Superhero so we don't always go together ;) It's so much fun to dress up and hand out candy to the kids. Kids get so excited when they show up and the grown-ups are dressed up. Oh smiling happy kids...they are my jam! I am very easy to make happy.

I'm sure you're not surprised that I don't like the scary aspect of Halloween. I like the bubble gum, fun, everything is jolly type of Halloween. I'm a total wimp when it comes to scary stuff and I don't want to scare the kids either so it's a good excuse to avoid the creepy stuff.

This year, since we are on an island, I have been told to not expect any kids at all. I am devastated! It's no surprise that there aren't many kids on the island at Halloween. There are not many annual residents here, mostly vacationers, and the people that do live here year round are usually older.  Give me a second while I shed a little tear. I bought a TON of candy because I am also the person who gives out a handful instead of just one piece. That candy is just staring at me, calling my name. I am going to have to find somewhere to donate it or else I am in danger of turning into a piece of chocolate.

That being said, we will still dress up and go all out. Even if only one child comes to the door, I want to see them happy and smiling...and that one kid will get so much candy from us. Sorry to their Mom and Dad in advance :)

So to all you goblins, ghosts, ghouls, witches, and superheroes out there, Have a safe and happy Halloween! Enjoy your children, enjoy other peoples children, and enjoy yourselves! It's not everyday that you can eat an entire bag of chocolate and no one will bat an eyelash.

Love is my Gift

It seems as if yesterday I was having a bit of a woe is me kind of day. We all get those days sometimes but most of us just keep their thoughts to themselves. Not me! I sprinkle those feelings all over the place for everyone to see...sometimes only to cringe a bit later on once I've had a minute to collect myself.

That's just me though. A brutally honest over sharer who overthinks :)

Lucky for me, I tend to see my ability to open my heart and spill out what's on the inside a good thing. There are so many things we all have in common, things that we feel and sometimes feel alone about, that I truly believe it helps to occasionally read something and go, oh ok, I am not alone! Here's another lunatic, over thinker, weirdo, warrior, (insert whatever word is fitting) that is just like me.

The whole point of this blog anyway is to find happiness within and to empower and inspire others. I honestly do not really know if anyone even reads this blog except for my husband because I rarely receive feedback from anyone besides him but I figure I am going to keep writing and keep sharing because maybe, just maybe, I am secretly speaking to someone, even if I don't know it.
(P.S. if you do read, let me know, share your thoughts)

So I had a bad day yesterday. I let outside influences overwhelm me and get the best of me. It happens a lot. Most days I can grit my teeth and keep on keeping on and some days, I just feel it take over. I have a little cry (or even a tantrum) and then I am back on my merry way.

Last night, after dinner, sitting outside on the deck with my husband Mike, watching the sunset, we began having a discussion about what it is that is my "thing".  He shared a quote with me that he had seen that day "The most important work you will ever do, will be within the walls of your own home." That struck a chord with me. Mike pointed out to me be that I should be proud of who I am. That's what my "thing" is...being myself. Sharing myself with others. Taking care of my family.

I may not be "successful" in the outwardly ways that that the world or society views as successful. The world sets certain expectations of us, especially women, that define success. Get married, raise a family, have an established career, make money, live in a big house, be thin, be pretty...blah, blah, blah. In reality, most of this stuff is irrelevant. Success should be about becoming the best version of yourself possible. We should all be able to define success on our own terms, achieve it by our own rules and then build a life that we are proud to live. Success will be different for every single one of us.

One of my greatest successes, I believe, is my heart. My ability to share myself and spread love wherever I go. Cultivating relationships with family and friends, being an Auntie, these are things that I am proud of. I want to be the person, who at the end of my life, is surrounded by people who love me, people who feel that I have made a difference in their life. I want that when people speak of me, they speak of love.

So for me, my success is love. It's my gift to the world.

And if I'm being honest, which let's face it, I always am...that seems like a pretty damn good thing to be successful at.

Purpose

A recurring theme with me is that I am not important in the world...

I don't mean that I don't matter. I know that there are people in my life that I matter a lot to.
What I mean is, I am not important in the grand scheme of the world. I am not doing anything that is going to change the world or even really make a difference for that fact. I am not contributing to society in any meaningful way.

My husband is a very successful freelance writer, editor and project manager.  He kicks ass at his job! My sister just got an amazing promotion and is now the director of a really awesome kids program at a church. I have friends who are nurses, counselors, therapists, Realtors...friends who have very high powered important corporate jobs...friends who are actors, singers, artists...friends who are off doing something amazing every single day.

And here I sit...

I am not writing this for pity. I am not writing this to whine or complain. I am writing this, because this is what I do, I over share as a way of self discovery. Maybe if I put the words down on paper (or the computer) I will find my own path.

When I was younger, I was absolutely sure that I wanted to be a nurse. Then I quickly realized that I cannot stand the sight of blood and thus would be useless as a nurse. Then I was absolutely sure that I was going to be a pop star...then a mother...then a teacher...then a music teacher...then a teacher again...then a nanny...then a yoga teacher...

See a pattern here?

I am almost 38 years old and I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.
I see people rushing here and there, doing important work. It's hard sometimes to feel like I am not just taking up space.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my life. I am very fortunate and I am well aware of that. I enjoy working at home with my husband helping him run his business and running the house. There's just something missing...and lord help me, I just cannot seem to figure it the hell out!

I have been reading a lot of books lately about how to live your best life, how to discover your hidden treasure. My shovel must be broken or something because I have been digging and digging for years and I still haven't found it.

Sometimes I feel alone inside myself. Like I have a little hole inside and no matter what I do, I just can't seem to fill that hole.

I don't know if it's because of my past life, where I basically didn't exist anymore and was beat down so much that I broke and don't know how to patch myself back up. Maybe it's because I lost my Mom and just cannot seem to get over that loss.

I know I am not the only one in the world that feels this way but sometimes it feels pretty lonely over here at the corner of self doubt and indecision.

It's never too late to be what you might have been. So, what is my passion? What is my soul calling for me to do?  I want to do something meaningful. I want to inspire people, help people, make a difference. But what?!

That, I guess, is for me to figure out. Back to the drawing board...

Imperfectly Beautiful

This is not an easy post for me to write and share because I am SO self conscious but I felt like it was time to face my demons head on.

I suffer from melasma. As much I hate the thought, I am going to share photos of my untouched face.  Not because I want pity but because I want to show you the real, imperfect me. I want others who maybe suffer with any kind of skin condition to know that it's normal and that it's ok to be imperfectly beautiful.

Melasma, or hyperpigmentation, is a skin problem which causes brown or grey patches of discoloration on the face. According the the American Association of Dermatology, women are far more likely to get melasma, with men just be 10% of the cases. It's often quite common for women during pregnancy and is often called the mask of pregnancy, and most times will go away on it's own after birth.  However, for some very unlucky few, like me, it's something that can be very hard to prevent, cover and treat.

The most recommended way to prevent melasma is of course sun protection, as sun exposure makes the spots worse. I slather my face every day in sunscreen (zinc oxide is best) and I wear a wide brimmed hat as often as possible, but for me, since I currently live on the coast, staying out of the sun is near impossible...and truthfully, it's something that's just not realistic for me since I LOVE being outside.

I have spent countless amounts of money on products that are supposed to clear your melasma spots, and makeup that is supposed to cover and hide your melasma. I have spent hours researching melasma online, what vitamins I should be taking, what dietary changes I should make, what products to use and not use, but there is so much information out there, it's virtually impossible to sift through it all and make a realistic plan. And despite all my efforts and money spent, I'm not much better off anyway.

It's a constant battle everyday when I look in the mirror to not be self conscious and upset. I waste an exorbitant of time worrying about how my face looks to others. For the most part, most of the dark patches on my face don't really bother me. However, I have what my sister and I "affectionately" refer to a permastache. It's OK, you can giggle, it is kind of funny. The trouble with my permastache is that I look like I have just that...a permanent mustache! Which, as a woman, is terribly unfortunate.

I am so embarrassed by this and it causes me so much anxiety. I am a bridesmaid in one of my best friends weddings on October the 1st and I'm also singing as she walks down the aisle and all I can think about is how awful I am going to look in the photos and if I will be able to cover it up enough so that it's not noticeable.

I have found a few products that are passable but they don't last long without reapplication and it's so heavy that I feel like I am wearing a mask of makeup. I hate leaving the house without a full face of makeup and it's such a drag. Truthfully, sometimes covering up the spots with makeup actually makes the spots more pronounced.

So as I woke up this morning to get ready for a fun Saturday with my husband (after another night laying in bed worrying about what I can do to fix my face), I looked in the mirror and thought fuck it!

Seriously! I have wasted too much time and energy on focusing on something that, at this point, is a losing battle. I am not my permastache. I am SO much more than that!

It's hard when we live in a world where so much emphasis is put on a woman's appearance. Every TV show, magazine, movie and celebrity wants to tell us what is acceptable and what's not.  We are judged on everything, from our weight, our jobs, our clothing, our hair, to our skin. When will we be enough just the way we are?

I can preach all day long about self love, because in my heart I truly believe it. When I look at my friends, I see their beauty for who they are...they are so much more than what we see on the outside. Applying that to myself is not as easy. I can blame my abusive ex for planting ideas in my head about how I'm not good enough but it's time that I take a good hard look at myself, at who I really am.

I am a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter, an auntie who loves with her whole heart. I am kind. I would do anything for those I love. I am fiercely loyal. I am creative. I am funny. I love to have fun and explore new things. I am smart. I am a shell seeking, dog obsessed, yoga loving, gypsy mermaid!  

I am not my skin, my face, my hair, or my body.

Like the broken shells I find on the beach, I am imperfectly beautiful. Flaws are not who we are, they are just part of what makes us unique...what makes us human.

I am beautiful, just the way I am.

And that's pretty damn amazing!

Hurricanes and Happiness

What do you do when there's a hurricane and you are stuck inside? Write your blog, of course!

August was a very eventful month. We packed up and headed south to Florida and have spent the last few weeks settling in and getting the house organized.

The house we are renting is fully furnished and decorated which is great and made moving in super easy...that was until I decided that I wanted to change pretty much everything about the place and put my own spin on it :)

So, I completely redecorated the house ( I mean, bedding, towels, wall hangings, knick knacks....everything!)  The owners said we could redecorate but I'm not sure she realized that I would change EVERYTHING! Lol! I hope she doesn't pop over for a visit because I think she will be very shocked. I have all of her stuff hidden away in any nook and cranny I could find...behind the entertainment stand, at the tops of closets where I can't reach anyway, and under every bed in the house. So now we have the house just the way we want it and can start enjoying island life.

Not that we haven't been enjoying it already! Being able to work from home and take little breaks during the day to walk down to the beach cafe for a bite to eat or walk across the street to the beach to swim for half an hour or so has been amazing and exactly what I hoped our life here would entail.

I still can't really believe we live here and I keep waiting for Mike to tell me that I need to pack up and head home to Ohio! I have always dreamed of living by the ocean ever since I was a little girl and to be able to have the dream turn into a reality...I am one lucky girl!

Fast forward to the present and we are dealing with a hurricane.

When Mike said we should look for a raised house I was very argumentative. I thought it would be too difficult for Goldie (since she only has 3 legs) to negotiate the stairs multiple times a day for potty breaks. She has since proved me wrong, like she does every time I underestimate her. We bought her a special carrying harness and for the first few days we had to wear her like a purse and carry her down and back up the stairs every single time she needed to go out. She very quickly started going up the stairs on her own and now will go down the stairs on her own if you set her on the second from the top step. She is amazing! I can't imagine how terrified I would be of stairs if I was missing a leg!

Anyway, Mike was right, as usual and I am SO glad right now that we live in a raised house! Our street is completely underwater and most of our driveway is as well.  We have been fortunate enough that the water hasn't come up to our garage yet, but we have lattice blow out walls for that very reason to let the water go through. Our yard is flooded as well but there is any empty lot across the street that is just high enough that we can wade Goldie across the street to the grassy lot for potty breaks.

Every place we have lived has challenges and sometimes you have to deal with some pretty crazy stuff to be able to fully appreciate and enjoy the good stuff!

We were prepared. We bought water and food, extra dog food for Goldie and had candles and flashlights at the ready. I even went out one day and floated in the street for a bit (before the water got too high and nasty).

Life is all about what you make of it...how you deal with situations that are thrown your way. Not every day is going to be an easy day. It's when you're faced with the hard, scary stuff that you see what you're really made of.  Sometimes you just have to try and find the silver lining in a bad situation. Put on your wellies and wade through the high water, and smile!

Now, I gotta go put on my bathing suit and go dance in the rain....