Purpose

A recurring theme with me is that I am not important in the world...

I don't mean that I don't matter. I know that there are people in my life that I matter a lot to.
What I mean is, I am not important in the grand scheme of the world. I am not doing anything that is going to change the world or even really make a difference for that fact. I am not contributing to society in any meaningful way.

My husband is a very successful freelance writer, editor and project manager.  He kicks ass at his job! My sister just got an amazing promotion and is now the director of a really awesome kids program at a church. I have friends who are nurses, counselors, therapists, Realtors...friends who have very high powered important corporate jobs...friends who are actors, singers, artists...friends who are off doing something amazing every single day.

And here I sit...

I am not writing this for pity. I am not writing this to whine or complain. I am writing this, because this is what I do, I over share as a way of self discovery. Maybe if I put the words down on paper (or the computer) I will find my own path.

When I was younger, I was absolutely sure that I wanted to be a nurse. Then I quickly realized that I cannot stand the sight of blood and thus would be useless as a nurse. Then I was absolutely sure that I was going to be a pop star...then a mother...then a teacher...then a music teacher...then a teacher again...then a nanny...then a yoga teacher...

See a pattern here?

I am almost 38 years old and I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.
I see people rushing here and there, doing important work. It's hard sometimes to feel like I am not just taking up space.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my life. I am very fortunate and I am well aware of that. I enjoy working at home with my husband helping him run his business and running the house. There's just something missing...and lord help me, I just cannot seem to figure it the hell out!

I have been reading a lot of books lately about how to live your best life, how to discover your hidden treasure. My shovel must be broken or something because I have been digging and digging for years and I still haven't found it.

Sometimes I feel alone inside myself. Like I have a little hole inside and no matter what I do, I just can't seem to fill that hole.

I don't know if it's because of my past life, where I basically didn't exist anymore and was beat down so much that I broke and don't know how to patch myself back up. Maybe it's because I lost my Mom and just cannot seem to get over that loss.

I know I am not the only one in the world that feels this way but sometimes it feels pretty lonely over here at the corner of self doubt and indecision.

It's never too late to be what you might have been. So, what is my passion? What is my soul calling for me to do?  I want to do something meaningful. I want to inspire people, help people, make a difference. But what?!

That, I guess, is for me to figure out. Back to the drawing board...