Imperfectly Beautiful

This is not an easy post for me to write and share because I am SO self conscious but I felt like it was time to face my demons head on.

I suffer from melasma. As much I hate the thought, I am going to share photos of my untouched face.  Not because I want pity but because I want to show you the real, imperfect me. I want others who maybe suffer with any kind of skin condition to know that it's normal and that it's ok to be imperfectly beautiful.

Melasma, or hyperpigmentation, is a skin problem which causes brown or grey patches of discoloration on the face. According the the American Association of Dermatology, women are far more likely to get melasma, with men just be 10% of the cases. It's often quite common for women during pregnancy and is often called the mask of pregnancy, and most times will go away on it's own after birth.  However, for some very unlucky few, like me, it's something that can be very hard to prevent, cover and treat.

The most recommended way to prevent melasma is of course sun protection, as sun exposure makes the spots worse. I slather my face every day in sunscreen (zinc oxide is best) and I wear a wide brimmed hat as often as possible, but for me, since I currently live on the coast, staying out of the sun is near impossible...and truthfully, it's something that's just not realistic for me since I LOVE being outside.

I have spent countless amounts of money on products that are supposed to clear your melasma spots, and makeup that is supposed to cover and hide your melasma. I have spent hours researching melasma online, what vitamins I should be taking, what dietary changes I should make, what products to use and not use, but there is so much information out there, it's virtually impossible to sift through it all and make a realistic plan. And despite all my efforts and money spent, I'm not much better off anyway.

It's a constant battle everyday when I look in the mirror to not be self conscious and upset. I waste an exorbitant of time worrying about how my face looks to others. For the most part, most of the dark patches on my face don't really bother me. However, I have what my sister and I "affectionately" refer to a permastache. It's OK, you can giggle, it is kind of funny. The trouble with my permastache is that I look like I have just that...a permanent mustache! Which, as a woman, is terribly unfortunate.

I am so embarrassed by this and it causes me so much anxiety. I am a bridesmaid in one of my best friends weddings on October the 1st and I'm also singing as she walks down the aisle and all I can think about is how awful I am going to look in the photos and if I will be able to cover it up enough so that it's not noticeable.

I have found a few products that are passable but they don't last long without reapplication and it's so heavy that I feel like I am wearing a mask of makeup. I hate leaving the house without a full face of makeup and it's such a drag. Truthfully, sometimes covering up the spots with makeup actually makes the spots more pronounced.

So as I woke up this morning to get ready for a fun Saturday with my husband (after another night laying in bed worrying about what I can do to fix my face), I looked in the mirror and thought fuck it!

Seriously! I have wasted too much time and energy on focusing on something that, at this point, is a losing battle. I am not my permastache. I am SO much more than that!

It's hard when we live in a world where so much emphasis is put on a woman's appearance. Every TV show, magazine, movie and celebrity wants to tell us what is acceptable and what's not.  We are judged on everything, from our weight, our jobs, our clothing, our hair, to our skin. When will we be enough just the way we are?

I can preach all day long about self love, because in my heart I truly believe it. When I look at my friends, I see their beauty for who they are...they are so much more than what we see on the outside. Applying that to myself is not as easy. I can blame my abusive ex for planting ideas in my head about how I'm not good enough but it's time that I take a good hard look at myself, at who I really am.

I am a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter, an auntie who loves with her whole heart. I am kind. I would do anything for those I love. I am fiercely loyal. I am creative. I am funny. I love to have fun and explore new things. I am smart. I am a shell seeking, dog obsessed, yoga loving, gypsy mermaid!  

I am not my skin, my face, my hair, or my body.

Like the broken shells I find on the beach, I am imperfectly beautiful. Flaws are not who we are, they are just part of what makes us unique...what makes us human.

I am beautiful, just the way I am.

And that's pretty damn amazing!