Imperfectly Beautiful

This is not an easy post for me to write and share because I am SO self conscious but I felt like it was time to face my demons head on.

I suffer from melasma. As much I hate the thought, I am going to share photos of my untouched face.  Not because I want pity but because I want to show you the real, imperfect me. I want others who maybe suffer with any kind of skin condition to know that it's normal and that it's ok to be imperfectly beautiful.

Melasma, or hyperpigmentation, is a skin problem which causes brown or grey patches of discoloration on the face. According the the American Association of Dermatology, women are far more likely to get melasma, with men just be 10% of the cases. It's often quite common for women during pregnancy and is often called the mask of pregnancy, and most times will go away on it's own after birth.  However, for some very unlucky few, like me, it's something that can be very hard to prevent, cover and treat.

The most recommended way to prevent melasma is of course sun protection, as sun exposure makes the spots worse. I slather my face every day in sunscreen (zinc oxide is best) and I wear a wide brimmed hat as often as possible, but for me, since I currently live on the coast, staying out of the sun is near impossible...and truthfully, it's something that's just not realistic for me since I LOVE being outside.

I have spent countless amounts of money on products that are supposed to clear your melasma spots, and makeup that is supposed to cover and hide your melasma. I have spent hours researching melasma online, what vitamins I should be taking, what dietary changes I should make, what products to use and not use, but there is so much information out there, it's virtually impossible to sift through it all and make a realistic plan. And despite all my efforts and money spent, I'm not much better off anyway.

It's a constant battle everyday when I look in the mirror to not be self conscious and upset. I waste an exorbitant of time worrying about how my face looks to others. For the most part, most of the dark patches on my face don't really bother me. However, I have what my sister and I "affectionately" refer to a permastache. It's OK, you can giggle, it is kind of funny. The trouble with my permastache is that I look like I have just that...a permanent mustache! Which, as a woman, is terribly unfortunate.

I am so embarrassed by this and it causes me so much anxiety. I am a bridesmaid in one of my best friends weddings on October the 1st and I'm also singing as she walks down the aisle and all I can think about is how awful I am going to look in the photos and if I will be able to cover it up enough so that it's not noticeable.

I have found a few products that are passable but they don't last long without reapplication and it's so heavy that I feel like I am wearing a mask of makeup. I hate leaving the house without a full face of makeup and it's such a drag. Truthfully, sometimes covering up the spots with makeup actually makes the spots more pronounced.

So as I woke up this morning to get ready for a fun Saturday with my husband (after another night laying in bed worrying about what I can do to fix my face), I looked in the mirror and thought fuck it!

Seriously! I have wasted too much time and energy on focusing on something that, at this point, is a losing battle. I am not my permastache. I am SO much more than that!

It's hard when we live in a world where so much emphasis is put on a woman's appearance. Every TV show, magazine, movie and celebrity wants to tell us what is acceptable and what's not.  We are judged on everything, from our weight, our jobs, our clothing, our hair, to our skin. When will we be enough just the way we are?

I can preach all day long about self love, because in my heart I truly believe it. When I look at my friends, I see their beauty for who they are...they are so much more than what we see on the outside. Applying that to myself is not as easy. I can blame my abusive ex for planting ideas in my head about how I'm not good enough but it's time that I take a good hard look at myself, at who I really am.

I am a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter, an auntie who loves with her whole heart. I am kind. I would do anything for those I love. I am fiercely loyal. I am creative. I am funny. I love to have fun and explore new things. I am smart. I am a shell seeking, dog obsessed, yoga loving, gypsy mermaid!  

I am not my skin, my face, my hair, or my body.

Like the broken shells I find on the beach, I am imperfectly beautiful. Flaws are not who we are, they are just part of what makes us unique...what makes us human.

I am beautiful, just the way I am.

And that's pretty damn amazing!

Hurricanes and Happiness

What do you do when there's a hurricane and you are stuck inside? Write your blog, of course!

August was a very eventful month. We packed up and headed south to Florida and have spent the last few weeks settling in and getting the house organized.

The house we are renting is fully furnished and decorated which is great and made moving in super easy...that was until I decided that I wanted to change pretty much everything about the place and put my own spin on it :)

So, I completely redecorated the house ( I mean, bedding, towels, wall hangings, knick knacks....everything!)  The owners said we could redecorate but I'm not sure she realized that I would change EVERYTHING! Lol! I hope she doesn't pop over for a visit because I think she will be very shocked. I have all of her stuff hidden away in any nook and cranny I could find...behind the entertainment stand, at the tops of closets where I can't reach anyway, and under every bed in the house. So now we have the house just the way we want it and can start enjoying island life.

Not that we haven't been enjoying it already! Being able to work from home and take little breaks during the day to walk down to the beach cafe for a bite to eat or walk across the street to the beach to swim for half an hour or so has been amazing and exactly what I hoped our life here would entail.

I still can't really believe we live here and I keep waiting for Mike to tell me that I need to pack up and head home to Ohio! I have always dreamed of living by the ocean ever since I was a little girl and to be able to have the dream turn into a reality...I am one lucky girl!

Fast forward to the present and we are dealing with a hurricane.

When Mike said we should look for a raised house I was very argumentative. I thought it would be too difficult for Goldie (since she only has 3 legs) to negotiate the stairs multiple times a day for potty breaks. She has since proved me wrong, like she does every time I underestimate her. We bought her a special carrying harness and for the first few days we had to wear her like a purse and carry her down and back up the stairs every single time she needed to go out. She very quickly started going up the stairs on her own and now will go down the stairs on her own if you set her on the second from the top step. She is amazing! I can't imagine how terrified I would be of stairs if I was missing a leg!

Anyway, Mike was right, as usual and I am SO glad right now that we live in a raised house! Our street is completely underwater and most of our driveway is as well.  We have been fortunate enough that the water hasn't come up to our garage yet, but we have lattice blow out walls for that very reason to let the water go through. Our yard is flooded as well but there is any empty lot across the street that is just high enough that we can wade Goldie across the street to the grassy lot for potty breaks.

Every place we have lived has challenges and sometimes you have to deal with some pretty crazy stuff to be able to fully appreciate and enjoy the good stuff!

We were prepared. We bought water and food, extra dog food for Goldie and had candles and flashlights at the ready. I even went out one day and floated in the street for a bit (before the water got too high and nasty).

Life is all about what you make of it...how you deal with situations that are thrown your way. Not every day is going to be an easy day. It's when you're faced with the hard, scary stuff that you see what you're really made of.  Sometimes you just have to try and find the silver lining in a bad situation. Put on your wellies and wade through the high water, and smile!

Now, I gotta go put on my bathing suit and go dance in the rain....

Lebanon Love

Little ditty about Mike and Becks May

Two gypsy kids, moving down near Tampa Bay.

Mikey's gonna be a boogie boarding star 

Becks gonna be a sea turtle saving czar. 

Suckin' on popsicles outside on the sand

Becks sittin' on Mikey's lap

He's got his hand in her hand.

Mikey says "Hey Becks let's run off 

and find some manatees, 

I know you're excited, but try not to scream!"

And Mikey says,

Oh yeah we're living by the sea

strolling hand in hand just you and me!

Oh yeah we're living by the sea

Mike and Becks, just two gypsies!

One week from today we will be hitching up our gypsy wagon and heading South. It's been an adventure the last 11 years and there's no slowing down now!

I wanted to take a minute to give a shout out to our sweet town of Lebanon, Ohio. This is my husband Mike's hometown. He grew up here and left right after high school and didn't return until he came back with me in 2013. When we came back, the town embraced him as if he'd never left. I am not surprised by that fact because Mike is such a likable person. What I didn't expect was that the people of this town would embrace me as one of their own as well. I have never once been treated as an outsider and have been accepted and loved by everyone I have met here. It's been a unique and special experience for both of us, making memories with old friends, making new lifelong friends and spending time with loved ones. We have loved every second of living here and we are going to miss it so much. But you will always be in our hearts Lebanon and you have become part of the tapestry that makes up our love story. Thank you for your love, thank you for your charm and thank you for being our home for the last 3 years!

My weight is not who I am...

I have an obsession...and it's not a healthy one. I am obsessed with my weight. Not just like oh I am unhappy with weight, like a full blown I have a mental breakdown if the scale doesn't say what I want it too obsession.

I am 100% all for body positivity! I can preach to my friends and other women all day about loving your body and accepting yourself. And I believe it when I say it to my friends. I see their beauty. But, I do not practice what I preach. I try and I fail on a daily basis. 

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I had a complete meltdown over my weight. Here's the kicker....it was over a 3 pound gain that took place over a month long period! 3 lousy little insignificant pounds! Even typing it out sounds so ridiculous!

The scale is my enemy, or at least I have made it my enemy. I base my self worth on what number I see. If it's a good number then I am happy, if it's a "bad" number then I lose my shit. It will throw me into a spiral of depression and despite all of the wonderful things happening in my life, I will focus on that damn number. 

I felt better when I woke up this morning but even my Bestie noticed it today when we were together and totally called me out on it. I have to STOP obsessing. I have to stop being mean to myself. I have to start putting into practice what I tell all the other women in my life...to love myself, fully and wholly, not just when a number tells me it's ok to love myself.

Its time to start obsessing about the things I love about myself. Focus on what makes me a good human being, on what I offer to the world. My weight does not dictate who I am. I am not a number on the scale. If I am honest with myself, I am pretty sure that the people that matter in my life do not see a number when they look at me. They see my heart and my spirit shining through.

I am throwing away the scale. I am taking back my power. I am going to start looking at myself through the same eyes I look at the people who matter to me...with eyes of love.

Love Conquers All

Most of our hearts have been taking a beating as we process all of the hatred that has been happening lately. It's been a rough few days...let's face it, it's been a rough lifetime.

We live in a country where we pride ourselves on our rights to speak our minds and believe in what we want. Despite that though, there are those who believe more in intolerance and hate than love.

It's time to remember who we are as human beings. That if we get down to it, despite the fact that we are all different and unique and special in our way, we are still human. We still all want the same things in life...to be who we are and be accepted..to love and be loved. It's time to be decent human beings to each other. To spread love and kindness. To stand together and stand tall.

Love conquers all and will always outshine hate. Let's remember that now, let us never forget. Enough is enough. We cannot allow the hate to win. To overshadow all the goodness and light. Love will always win if we stand together. 

So let's stand together now. If you see someone who needs your light, share it. If there's someone who needs your love, give it. If there's someone who needs your shoulder, lend it. We are stronger together and we are stronger with love as our uniting front.

Shine On

There will always be people who don't like you. No matter what. Not everyone will understand your dreams, desires or your heart. The key is to let their negativity bounce off of you and to not allow them to dull your sparkle. You are not for everyone and that's ok.

But, you are definitely for some and those people will love you fiercely, just the way you are. Focus your heart on them. Be yourself. Surround yourself with those who lift you up. Celebrate each other. Be proud of who you are. Make no apologies. Life is just way too short to spend your life being ashamed or hiding who you are. Let nothing or no one dim that light that shines from within.

As Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

It's the Little Things

Happiness for me is...

A sugary cup of tea
Chocolate, of any kind
Painted toenails
A nectarine so juicy it dribbles all over my chin
Sex
Laughter, especially my husbands when he giggles like a little boy
The ocean
Dogs
My family and friends
A new planner or water bottle (I have an addiction)
Being organized
Freshly laundered sheets
The smell of coffee
Collecting shells
Yoga
Being in nature
Walks
Singing at the top of lungs when no one is around
Dancing
Books, real ones
My Mom's shortbread
Tattoos
Flip flops
Manatees
Love
Children
Big earrings
Music
A ripe banana
Just shaven, silky smooth legs
A mason jar full of flowers
The way my husbands foot has to touch mine at night in bed
Pajamas
Taking photographs
Funny autocorrects when I text
Cuddling
Sunshine


What makes you happy? Take a minute to think about all the little blessings in your life that make you smile.